I can't believe how fucked up things are
"I'm going to fuck you up"
I can't believe how fucked up things are
"Fucking do it."
I can't believe people can be this way
"I'll fucking call the cops"
"Good. Do it."
"Yeah, fuck me up."
Adults aren't supposed to fuck you up
But it's all this one's been doing
Since day one.
It's not supposed to be this way
He was supposed to be better
Than my messed up father.
My arguing, disbelieving,
stubborn father.
He was supposed to be better than my messed up father.
Now what? I'm 'bout to be fucked up
just like my father
I don't understand
How this can get past my mother
How can he be so immature and unseeing?
Why can't he see he's the reason I'm bleeding
all over myself and my mother and all the others
How can you be so serious
about hurting another?
Does it anger you so much,
that I'm just like my mother?
You can't fuck with her, so you turn right to me
It's just amazing you don't see
You're making me bleed.
Author notes
I tried to change it, making it not swear so much.. but it doesn't have the same flow. I personally like the swearing in it...
A contest entry
- Who Hates You by Janice M Pickett.
700 points, ended October 24, 2008, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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i really like this poem i am clearly able to see the raw emotions behind this piece and its juss seddening to think that some people actually have to deal with shit like that...
i personally think that your poem wouldnt have as great of an effect if it didnt contain the language you used
very good keep it up
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Wow! This is powerful and speaks volumes about your anger towards this man. I believe the swearing lends to the strength of your emotions here. It is your poem, and you need to leave it the way you intended it, despite some others opinions. Great job! Blessings, Patty
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The swearing is just fine! I really like it when you say "How can you be so serious/about hurting another?"
Like the energy here.
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Thanks for entering
can you think about what you can do to maybe change this man . Is he your step father? in your mind have you a way you could do it? can you add an extra verse telling me what you would do to stop this abuse.
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Great poem. Generally, I am turned off by swearing. It tends to turn an otherwise good poem into a childish rant. In rare cases, it is warrented. This is one of those.
Great job.
Mike
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Thank you thank you
That's exactly my view!
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my offer to run John over in a motorcycle still stands. Vroom vroom. Like I said last night, or whenever that was, great poem. I agree with all the other posts, though, the swearing kind of takes away from it. And that's not me being a prude, because you know I swear like a motherfucker, it's just... I dunno, it doesn't work right.
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I personally think the swearing adds something to it...the way I see it, poetry is an expression of feelings, and the swearing helps the reader understand the raw feelings behind it. Also, you shouldn't remove the swearing just because others don't like it...it's your work, make it the way you want it.
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the emotion in this is overwhelming
but I think the use of the word "fuck" takes away from the beauty and rawness.
I read your conversation with copper29 and I realize you were trying to carry a mood through the poem
but I think you could have attempted it in a different way
just a suggestion. -
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Thank you
I know I said I enjoy all comments, but I lied.
I enjoyed your comment much more than Copper29's
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I have no idea if you're trying to use "fuck" over and over again as repetition, but honestly, it's not coming off as a poetic device to me. I just feel as though I'm reading middle schooler's attempt at poetry while still in the "let's say as many curses as possible because it makes me look cool."
It's the same thing with some other words, like "see" and "mother." I'm not sure if it's deliberate repetition, and if it is, it just rubs me the wrong way.
However, I do like the emotion you used in this, though I think it could be expressed more effectively that with repeated curses.
Keep on writing =) -
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Thank you for your view, though I'd like to let you know that the swearing in this piece was not anything like a middle schooler's attempt at poetry while using as many curses as possible. I used the language because the exact words my step father said to me that night were "I will fuck you up" and I went along with the tone of his threat.
The repetition was also intentional, though I'm unhappy and unsure why it "rubbed you the wrong way." I do not understand how deliberate repetition is middle-school-like, if you will.
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I actually meant "middle schooler's attempt at poetry while still in the 'let's say as many curses as possible because it makes me look cool' phase," but that doesn't really matter in the context of what you said, so that was just for the record.
In that case, I totally get the use of "I will fuck you up," but then I still don't see the necessity of repeating "I can't believe how fucked up things are," and so on. I don't see it as necessary, nor effective, in getting your point and your anger across. I think you can do better than resorting to the same curse to express how you feel. -
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Well, in my head, the piece does not feel the same without the crude language. Which is why I used it.
Thank you for your view.
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