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Words for a St. John's Pier in three parts

(1)
I climb onto the pier
bitter about 7am
Swallow my fear of heights
and the ocean (the subliminal, the sublime)
the cold beneath my jeans is numbing
if I could feel it.
I cast my eyes over the water and wish
for your reflection to stop
dancing
on my eyelids.
I try to speak,
exhale a frozen cloud of
breath instead.


(2)
From a distance the water
is teal or gray
depending on the light.
Brown, when immersed. 
I want words,
but my voice is swallowed,
drowning
in the roar.

(3)
________________________.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • No longer in use
    October 17, 2008

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    Very nicely done. I myself like poems that have parts. It means that there is more to just words that we read behind it. I like it. Very much. Quite superbly wonderful. If you would like I have a poem with parts.
    http://allpoetry.com/poem/4625053


  • Rashida
    October 2, 2008

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    I liked this, but it still needs a little tidying up. The second line seems too raw, and you spelled drowning wrong at the end of the second stanza. Still, well done.

    • jocelynclaire
      October 2, 2008

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      Lol, more of a type than a spelling error (if there is such a difference, really), but thanks for pointing it out.

      • Rashida
        October 2, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Is there a difference? No clue. I do it all the time though, so no worries! That's the joy of having commenters.

  • Iyaden
    October 2, 2008

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    I like your poem a great deal and I think that whether you feel you need to add more or not its still complete to my eyes. I would only suggest you remove the brackets completly as I feel they offer nothing to your already well placed descriptions, as I feel they are the ones that make the poem feel like a draft (plus I always disliked them in poems).


  • paw-writer silver member
    October 1, 2008

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    You have done a great job with this poem, but it seems to be unfinished. I like what you have so far and would love to read the rest of it. Your imagery used is amazing. Great job, and blessings, Patty


  • jocelynclaire
    October 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Also, an FYI to potential commentators: I do my very best to return comments, though I'm not online everyday.
  • carole21
    September 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    nice expression and no line at the end !! thanks for the contest entry
1 - 8 of 8