Family Portrait

Looking at my family portrait
      What do I see?

I see my Father
      Here come the flash backs.
Black steel of a gun barrel,
      Sting of anger
Boiling over tender skin.
      Harsh words
That stain
      A once innocent mind.
Powerful hands
      That maim a mother.
Corrupt ways
      Spilling through
Ears that are
      Hungry for attention.
You are all we knew
      So we loved you
Despite your abuse.

I see Mother
      Even Worse flash backs
In need of strength?
      Bottle's your best friend.
Alcohol and pills
      A deadly mix...
For me that is!
      Twisted metal and broken glass,
Burned into my memory!
      Fear of falling,
And hospitals.
      White rooms and tubes,
Life in the balance,
      Trade agony and three months
For the chance that,
      When I am discharged
You will be different...
      Fleeting moment in heaven,
But our decent is into hell.
      I still love you Mommy,
Despite your demons.

I see myself
      Self tailored flash backs.
Dysfunctional at heart.
      Never quite enough,
For myself or others.
      Pain of the blade
Is what comforts me.
      I make my home in
Sufferings familar embrace.
      Happiness is foreign.
Run away!
      Or hold up walls
That never quite fall,
      Despite how forces
Wish them to tumble.
      Cannot over come...
Never even try!
      Wallow in the past,
Wear my sorrow as
      A royale display,
I am queen of despair.
      I strive to over come
Despite my past.