So...
For once
I'm lost for words
Well...
I guess this is
game over
And why shouldn't I
call it a game
seeing the way
you played me
as well as one can
play a wind-up doll
who foams at the mouth
now with two
pump-action pistols
and twitchy trigger fingers
I know, I know
I abuse you
with my masochism
I torture you
with morbid curiosity
you can't take more
of my mental beatings
accussations thrown
like daggers and knives
if looks could kill
I'd be on the run
blood on my hands
and disbelief
stale in your blank eyes
But don't say
I didn't warn you
I knew about The Crazy
the silent screams
and ever-present angst
I can throw you out
as quickly
as I can find a reason
to get mad
and you
you thought you knew
what that meant
so I foolishly
took your word
Constructive critisism is encouraged!
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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MUCH improved! Now we can see for ourselves what particularly you went through. The piece has more substance, more of you in it. You made some great plays on sound as well, particularly with bits like "twitchy trigger finger."
Keep at it, Stride. You're growing. -
Non JANERICK
I like it..The blanks..as in not spelling it all out..It lets the reader put some of their (self) in it. Far from generic and average. But then again these are just words from someone who's poetry is second to an IHOP menu.....lol..sorry I could not help myself..You rock KD
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End it after "took your word."
After the last piece of yours I read, I feel like this is digression. Not bad for average, but not good enough for Stride. You've got a good frame here, but as it stands it's somewhat generic, like the prints adorning Denny's and cheap hotel rooms everywhere. You gotta break out of this and into something more exquisite. Some places I think you can expand:
"played me" - played you how? What did he do, how did it affect you, what did you experience as a result? And, try shifting in from the pop-culture phrase to a more classical metaphor. Played like a violin, as opposed to "don't play me like dat, yo." Doesn't suit your tone particularly well.
"I abuse you/I torture you" - again, how? Detailing the emotional dynamics of bad relationships are the best way to save this from being just another random ditty about another random ex from another random girl. You are not random, and this was not a generic experience for you. Illustrate.
"I knew about the crazy" - Amusingly, I suspect you actually called it "the crazy" in conversation with him. But either way, this is another great opportunity for illustration. Name it or don't - if you give more meat to the piece overall, you might win leaving it vague like you have. Or maybe it will be self-evident at that point.
Smaller points - I'd ditch the single word + elipses, they interrupt the movement in bad places and look like you wanted filler to make the poem bigger. The title gimmick could work, but you gotta find more places in the piece to tie it in. Games have rules, did you break any? Or break yourselves or each other trying to follow them? Who won/lost, how? What were the stakes/prizes? Maybe within the piece itself, rephrase to "game is over" to eradicate the cliche?
What I do like - and I'm not even sure it was intentional - was how you open with "lost for words" and end with "took your word". At least, that's where it starts/ends for me.
I know you got it in there girl, pull it out and spill it on the page for us. Tell us how you really feel.
Gren
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this makes me think of that scene in aliens, when he just keeps saying, "game over, man! game over!"
I don't know why I thought I'd share that. Good write, by the way.
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Ahaha, I like it! I didn't think of that til now, it's fun. :3
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