What is it
exactly
that makes hiding seem
like a good
choice?
Why is it
exactly
that I push my love
farther and farther
away?
Who is it
exactly
that encouraged this
compulsive fear and
hiding?
Fuck it
this is all too
organized
I want chaos
I want everyone to see
the dischord and fear
ringing true
screaming through
every careful wall
put up to defend
my wee and atrocious
self
Floating passively
too lazy to tread
through animate currents
of fog
at their trough
I find myself light
light-headed and faint
but there is no fear
you live or you don't
there is no control
don't try to pretend
that you can influence
that with no conscience
the wave crushes you
or it carries you back up
and back down
tossing you back
to the jaws
of do or die
unbiased
unprejudiced
unconcerned
Throw me to the madness
and waves of misfortune
at least there
nothing
passes judgement
mostly because
nothing is there
but I don't care
that's good enough
for me
maybe even
too good
For me
at least
Constructive critisism is encouraged!
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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The good stuff starts in the fifth stanza. That bit is so rich, so filled with movement & feeling. I feel like you take too long to get to it - you could lose the reader on way, which would be a shame, because they'd miss the real ride. You might try starting with "I want everyone to see the discord and fear..." and reconstructing whatever ideas are lost in the parts before it after "nothing passes after judgement".
Exceptionally good material, Stride.
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Seeing as I'm incompetant when it comes to revisions, I'm open to suggestions! ><
I see what you're saying though, I agree. It's all pretty foggy, if I focus I'm sure I can sort through it though. -
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Nah, it's not foggy. It's tough to navigate your own writes sometimes, because there are details or sequences that you feel are important to convey to the reader to guarantee they are drawing your particular meaning. Sometimes, though, you have to give those up; the guts of the piece should be what really registers for them, and if they devise their own meanings or associations instead of yours, that's just as well. As long as nobody thinks it's about a boat, you're in good shape.
Think about what you wanted to express with this poem. From where I sit, it looks as though you want your "crazy" to be more visible, voluntarily or not, because you are tired of hiding it and/or fearing judgment because of it. Then you seem to express a sort of welcome to the crazy - sinking into it fully.
Now re-read your poem and cut out whatever parts aren't really conducive to expressing these ideas in the most vivid and precise ways possible. Some "filler" is good - it's important to give the readers' brains a break here and there so they don't get overwhelmed, and sometimes you need it to make any sense at all - but ultimately you want the picture to have more value than the frame. You have some gorgeous images & phrases in here that really captivate and illustrate your experiences, and no matter how incompetent you *think* you are, your work here says otherwise.
So ball up your guts and give it a go, eh?
Gren
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I loved how it started out structured and broke apart a very interesting affect, I love the emotion in it as well
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I like the way as the piece picks up pace you add to the new tone and rhythm by such simple methods as spacing, seems small but it is a clever device not always used to such good effect as it is here. The only thing I could perhaps say about this piece is that I expected the last word to be last not least-simply as it felt more like a resolution after the initial questions...this was a fascinating write thanks for sharing.
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