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Tossed and Turned

i.


Love has nothing
to do with it

the poke
and the jab of it

feels damn good
for the hell of it

to be like this
without wanting it

soft and gentle
and tip-toeing-it

around the truth
of what it really is.


ii.


In her eyes
he travels far from home,
lives on what he finds
and it is enough.

She tastes like
virgin rain,
filtered through the pain he
is drinking on

the rocks


so he rolls
into her,
stares into her,
and folds the corners
of her life

into his

for another day.


iii.


He was almost
everything she needed

almost the day

 

she wanted
to live over again

if she could
live again

without interruption.

 

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Author notes

anonymous contest

Prompt: Twist

In a list

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 58 of 58

  • JinSays gold member
    July 16

    Edit | Reply
    Gawd Laney.
    You never cease to knock me down with the sheer rawness of your writes.
    I think you were something wonderful in another life too, cause with talent like this, how could you not be?
    I love this write, but has there ever been a write of yours I've read that I didn't like?
    NOPE.

    Loves ya sweetness.
    Jin


  • csmmoms2
    October 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Lovely as always

    Your tasteful erotica is most pleasant. Thanks for reading "six days and second hand poem". I'd love to read your favorite that you've written, ya you have one. My favorite is "double knotted"-my kinda thing. -c


  • DolceVito gold member
    October 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    All I have to say is...

    ...you really know how to splish-splash, toss and turn, hoot and scoot...badabing, bang-bang


  • tara wilson gold member
    October 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I love the distinctly different moods & paces of each vignette...they read & sound wonderful...

    "He was almost
    everything she needed

    almost the day



    she wanted
    to live over again"

    those lines resonate in this poem for me...esp. with the last line...I love the metaphor of a day to live over...thanks so much for entering the contest


  • Sesheta
    October 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I love how "choppy" the first part feels, using "it" at the end of every stanza to nail it home--it makes for a great beat. Then the imagery and metaphor and tragic beauty of the second part...and the emotion and poignancy of the third. What's not to adore?


  • csmmoms2
    October 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    "Whats love got to do with it "?

    Stunning black and white photo, really lovely but you'll never see a raven at the beach, they hate'em. They prefer cornfields and telephone wires and roadside road-kills.

    Your sexuality is very soft with a hint of steam. And I feel all Tossed and Turned!


  • Randomly Beautiful
    October 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    virgin rain...you never cease to be fresh and original. Love it.


  • bubblybriggs
    October 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hell Yeah

    That was an amazing stanza where you said "She tastes like
    virgin rain,
    filtered through the pain he
    is drinking on

    the rocks"
    that was awesome!


  • PrabhuDayal Khattar silver member
    October 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I do agre with the feelings and the situations..but at the same time..these feelings are not the permanent..even next day we get a change in our mindset for its interpretations..though great registration of the momments of life..


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    October 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I don't believe anyone could have written anything more amazing for this prompt! You are so inspiring hun...

    I'm bookmarking



  • Meej
    September 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    oh my gosh wow...no wonder this is on the weeks most popular list...this is fantastic. By breaking it into 3 parts it really helps to tell a story and its a beautiful story. Well done.


  • Aussie Gypsy gold member
    September 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I do love the way you write these 'snippets' for want of a better word, I always enjoy your train of thought and you take me into such a place like no other. Beautiful. Best to you in the contest


  • malmadre gold member
    September 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I love to read all the comments as well as the wonderful work that draws them, I have never read anything from you that was less than 'awesome' for lack of a better word.
    Jessica's comments are to die for, so is your talent!


  • Jersene gold member
    September 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Your words always captivate the reader...love the ending, ah, heck, I love it all


  • Balldinger silver member
    September 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    looks like everyone already covered everything, except for the shovel and wheelbarrow out in the red barn. i'm sure there'll be a comment on that in the next 2 hours...


    • Dalaney gold member
      September 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Mr. Dinger...

      then you just have to get here sooner


  • chilali
    September 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You, are amazing! And your work is just the same!! Such a friggin'great write! Thank you for sharing

  • Alpha-Q
    September 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Kinda like a salad. Without the greens and vegetables. Just dressing. I like it.


  • zochit2me gold member
    September 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I simply must bookmark this!!!
    One read is not enough for the full impact this delivers.

    and you do what you do so well...

    the style of this is much like life...
    the beginning
    the middle
    and the end...

    the lead...
    Love has nothing to do with it, reminds me of Tina Turners life story and the song what's love got to do with it...whick I love BTW, just like this beautiful poem.

    you really are finding voice...and the internal rhyme almost goes unnoticed

    Yeah bookmarked for sure.

    ♥Becky♥


    • Dalaney gold member
      September 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Becky...

      you're gonna make my head float! lol
      thank you so much for reading my poem.
      Knowing you bookmarked it really is
      special to me.


  • IronMaiden1236
    September 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    whooooaaaa

    You make me just sit and be...thank you


  • Cup-a-Joe
    September 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Well Harvey,
    You have done it again. Ill go pull my meager attempt
    to write poetry- entry, right now.
    Call my cousin Joe and ask if I can spend a day with him, OK?

    • Dalaney gold member
      September 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      joe

      if you pull your entry i'm going
      to pull your whiskers Sincerely, Harvey


  • Mairi bheag gold member
    September 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Your distinct and distinctive voice.

    i. The repetition of "it" - such a tiny word - holds such power. I can almost hear the quotation marks around it on every occasion. Is it lust, or love-in-denial? That is the truth they dare not touch with one tip-toe.

    ii. Pain on the rocks. Rocks on the rocks. White rum on black rocks. Pain on the rocks. A phrase marking the "sam" moment, as in indian music, when the rhythms of the instrumentalist and the drummer hit the same emphatic downbeat.

    iii. {speechless}

    Amazingly good poetry.


    • Dalaney gold member
      September 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      My Mairi...

      i was so hoping you would like this.
      i sort of ventured on a different path
      with stanza one and three. you've allowed
      me to sigh with relief - what you think
      matters so much to me. Sincerely, Harvey


  • Cannonsfire
    September 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You always have impact when you take swipes at the realities of life...Loves ya C


    • Dalaney gold member
      September 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Cheryl...

      i swiped, but wasn't sure about
      the impact thank you, my friend,
      for the read, and for knowing why
      i write what i write Sincerely, "Harvey"


  • notorious gold member
    September 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Fuck me.

    This is so good.

    I think you do vignettes, or whatever the frilly heck they're called so well it hurts my soul. HAHA.

    Yeah, I love the blatantness of that first line--"Love has nothing to do with it". Despite that, I get this sense of yearning in this poem.

    I LOVE your ability to mix colloquial language (e.g. "for the hell of it) with poetic phrases and insight...it's like effortless-seeming math, when it's really a hard thing to master, which you OBVIOUSLY have.

    "tip-toeing-it"
    HAHAHAHA! Damn, I just love the way you are correctly incorporating hyphens, and you know...this is a really good hyphenated phrase for the context.

    Love "virgin rain"--has visuals you can literally feel (and holy god, that sounds so cheesy from me )

    "filtered through the pain he
    is drinking on
    the rocks"
    SO genius...I am dying here.
    Love the word 'filtered' in this context--something being blocked out...denial? Yeah...and the whole alcohol thing...could NOT have been a better place for it.

    The 'almost' you use in iii...simply fabulous (stop making me use words like 'fabulous'!! LMAO).

    "without interruption"
    Again, you do showstopper endings.

    I wish I could give you one-liners telling you how wonderfully you write,
    but you know that's not my thing...

    Love this, and your cupcakes (and I guess...you HAHAHAHA)

    Jessica


    • Dalaney gold member
      September 30, 2008

      Edit | Reply

      Jess...

      i hold my breath until your review...you had me a beautiful shade of blue there, girl! But, now that i've read your words i can sit back and enjoy what i've done a little bit. i love that you are here. so many of us do. Sincerely, "Harvey"

      • notorious gold member
        October 1, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Wow. I'm honored that you enjoy my comments that much.


    • Mairi bheag gold member
      September 29, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Interruption please

      Yeah - vignettes - that's what the frilly heck they are called, and she does them so well.


  • MuddyKing
    September 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really like the sections in this
    the first gives you a sense of it is what it is and nothing more
    the second is the real side of life and love
    and the third is the wondering
    a shame we can't live the first forever
    without the twists of life

    excellent take on this contest anonymous...lol
    but you always do brilliant best
    best wishes
    peace and hugs
    Muddy


    • Dalaney gold member
      September 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Muddy..

      thank you for seeing the whole picture of
      this vignette. damn, that makes me feel
      good I am so honored that you even
      come here to read my work.


  • MJ Donnelly gold member
    September 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Bam! Then reality hits you like a Louisville slugger up side the head, and 'one' is such a lonely number.

    Powerful Lane, and in a style that is uniquely your own.

    Loved this dear friend.

    All the best and with much love,
    mj.

    • Dalaney gold member
      September 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      MJ...

      you know what your words mean to me, sweet poet. Thank you.


  • Amera gold member
    September 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Hard hitting and very real. This is a wonderful and gripping write.

    Love,
    Amera♥

    • Dalaney gold member
      September 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      amera...

      thank you. Sincerely, "Harvey"


  • Pure Thought silver member
    September 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    My Lady

    Last line twisted my heart for sure. You just never know about interruptions, but we have to live anyway. Personally, I would not be doing as well.

    • Dalaney gold member
      September 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Buddy...

      some interruptions are wonderful...like you
      Thank you for being here.


  • Peteskid gold member
    September 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Maybe every moment has everything we can imagine, maybe we can live it all again and again only better... such an interesting interruption ...wonderful work...PK


  • arafura gold member
    September 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "He was almost
    everything she needed"

    There's a faint aftertaste of bitterness in this.
    As if neither one of them was ever quite good enough. Well done!


  • JohnnyD gold member
    September 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    to tell you a poem you have penned is "well done" is akin to telling a rainbow it is "sorta pretty"????

    So I won't but you already know it is so.

    and an interesting twist indeed is this write- I truly suspect almost anyone-well, at least those who try that is- or have tried-truly tried-

    will see more than just a bit of their own life entwined in this write.

    I myself see it of two women I've known-one especially-
    so it does hit home in both the heart and solar plexus
    -dependent on how successful I am in dodging the sucker punch?

    yeah, this write rings as true as a Spanish brass bell concerning one i know- and quite possibly a second.

    its one of those rare writes one reads and 'knows'
    -from deep within their gut.

    Damn it, do I have a hernia???


  • PerVirtuous
    September 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    A very interesting and revealing read.


  • lovinhim
    September 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Great write it flows great
    the best part
    feels damn good
    for the hell of it


  • Swangrnv gold member
    September 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Awesome, this is..

    in so many ways, beautiful imagery sends one into a gaze
    into the faraway..within the abyss of probabilities of somehow someday..


  • tomisb
    September 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    So many times we are nothing more than fond objects, crumpled photo graphs. Maybe it is all there can be. Then little bit by little bit we erode faster than compost in the heat of a relationship. Perhaps all we know is an idealization of each other and the fools are the ones who want more than virtual. I am not this cynical, but I can understand.

    Your images rock. the poetry is exquisite.

    Love,
    Tom B.


  • Cerulean Sunrise gold member
    September 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Well..


    I like the way it reads. Maybe I can't focus right to comment more.


    Wait...

    I really like the last part of ii


  • cricketjeff gold member
    September 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Is anyone ever more than almost everything?

    Delectable poetry, says it all, well almost all I suppose

    She is not alone, I want to live again too.

1 - 58 of 58