chorus
The dance of two lovers,time stands still,
The near kiss he holds her,ready for the kill .
She closes her eyes, feels his breath so near,
the near kiss past her lips, rests upon her ear.
Eyes on fire,peers into her soul,
within his embrace,where love unfolds.
Love was in flight,the mind gives in,
A time where the near kiss, never ends.
chorus
The dance of two lovers,time stands still,
The near kiss he holds her,ready for the kill.
She closes her eyes, feels his breath so near,
the near kiss past her lips,rest upon her ear.
Feeling his breath,lips like butterfly wings,
such a sense of life, lust it did bring.
Wanting and knowing,drives her wild,
The near kiss, heaven wears a smile.
Minds on fire, like a burning soul,
two becoming as one,within the nights glow.
The Deepest kiss, where two becomes lost,
far from thought,where lovers pay the cost.
chorus
The dance of two lovers, time stands still,
The near kiss he holds her,ready for the kill.
She closes her eyes,feels his breath so near,
the near kiss past her lips, rests upon her ear.
Copyrights **Patty DeGroff 9-29-08
Author notes
I dont know if this is what you were looking for but I decided to write one just to see
If put into a song let Riftkin on this sight know right away
In a list
A contest entry
- Pen me a song ( contest ) by Riftkin.
725 points, ended October 5, 2008, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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This is beautiful, so so beautiful. You did an excellent job with this.
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this is just my opinion, but as a song this would definitely work, it has song like phrases and it does play with the imagination visually, however that said, it does need some work on the flow.
and to show you what i mean here is an example
Original:
Minds on fire, 3
unable to control. 6
finds two becoming as one, 7
within the nights glow. 5
Within the kiss, 4
where two becomes lost, 5
far from thought indeed 5
its a place where lovers pay the cost. 9
where their reputation loses the toss. 10
so the numbers are your syllable count and as youll notice they increase over the verse, which when you are working in a framework such as musical time , be it 4/4 or 3/4 can cause problems, so here is how i would have written it
Edited version:
Minds on fire, like a burning soul 8
two become one, within the nights glow. 9
the Deepest kiss, where two become lost, 9
far from thought, where lovers pay the cost. 9
as you can see the verse is now 4 lines long and your syllable count is much more even, and if you read it through it flows a lot easier, what i would suggest is go back over the song and lay it out like this, not only will it be easier to read it wil also allow you to condense it down so that its easier to sing, always remember to think about the vocalist who will be singing this, and give them time to breath, this took literally two mins to condense your original verse down, had i spent a longer amount of time on it i'm sure it could have been made a little less wordy, and the art of any song is to say as much as you can with as few words as possible.
so give it a try and see what you come up with, dont however lose the esscence of the story, that works rally well.
i hope this helps and good luck.
Michael
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Great Song
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Great song
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Laughing .. A place where reputation loses the toss.. I love that line.. How much passion is shown through out the piece with out stooping to any vulgarity..
True romance..
I would love to hear it when the words are sung
Den -
Great song!
most deserving of a gold trophy.
Your skills are limitless.
Heaven wears a smile is a very good line.
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Wow!!!
This song is amazing!!! Wow!!! So passionate and romantic. You can almost feel the near kiss with the way you described it. Put it to music! You should sell it! It reminds me of my first kiss, and the near kiss of mine.
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Hot Damn Ma , lol
Now that is an old fashioned love song for sure. The best kind, they don't write em like that much anymore and thats ashamed. Really a very good writing of some excellent lyrics. This is really good stuff if you ask me.
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A passionate romantic song, it deserved the gold award.
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Put this to music and sell it
for it is the perfect love song.
Riftkin
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beayutiful could imagine this as a slow waltz
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very nice
It's a very sweet love song you got here my friend! let's see if we can this thing to music now and make some cash! l.o.l. j.k. really sweet piece.
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lovley and romantic i could almost feel it, well done and good luck in the contest.
stay happy always xx
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nicely written. Good job here.
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So nice . Like a wonderful song and dance for the good old days. You brought them back even if only for a moment.
My you brought the past back & it is so nice . even if just for a little time.
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I like this song, the images are vivid and filled with passion. I could imagine the couple as they danced and kissed, very beautiful and vivid poem.
best of luck in the contest! <3
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Seeing as I've been in a rather romantical mood, this poem hit the spot to me. It kept the feeling of suspense in my chest, like when you kiss a guy for the first time...I guess that was the point Anyhow, I really liked this good job and good luck in the contest!
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