VS 1:
Words,
Falling from drunken lips.
Hurt,
Stemming from your wasted kiss.
This pain,
Doesn't want to go away.
Too late,
I'm addicted and I'm here to stay.
Bridge:
Can't seem to find my reason,
You have become my poison.
Chorus:
Don't let me go,
Don't let me fall,
I've had a taste I want it all.
Your words confuse,
I don't understand,
How can my poison be a man?
VS 2:
Smoke,
Rolling from your lips like lies.
Toke,
Take a hit and realize,
I'm confused,
I don't understand this addiction.
And you,
You don't realize what you've become.
Bridge:
Can't seem to find my reason,
You still remain my poison.
Chorus:
Don't let me go,
Don't let me fall,
I've had a taste I want it all.
Your words confuse,
I don't understand,
How can my poison be a man?
VS 3:
(Under construction, focus = Pills)
Bridge:
Can't seem to find my reason,
You still remain my poison.
Chorus:
Don't let me go,
Don't let me fall,
I've had a taste I want it all.
Your words confuse,
I don't understand,
How can my poison be a man?
Vs 4:
These drugs,
They now rule your entire life.
When all,
All they do is fill my world with strife.
I'm done,
Fighting for you when you won't be saved.
I wish,
I could be the only thing you craved.
Bridge:
I still can't find my reason,
I can't escape your poison.
Ending Chorus:
Don't let me go,
Don't let me fall,
I've had a taste, I want it all.
I'm still confused,
But I understand,
My poison always was a man.
Author notes
This is a work in progress but i wanted some feedback.
I realize that the rhythm doesn't seem right in some spots, but with the music i have, it fits.
This piece was started over a year ago, but never completed. VS 2 came to me a few months after the first VS was written, and VS 3 came 4-5 months ago. I never wrote it down because I thought my phone would be fine, but it broke and the vs was lost, as it was recorded on my phone. VS 4 was written as i was writing this. I kept trying to come up with a 3rd vs when those lines wrote themselves.
This song was written by my inner self, I guess you could say. It touches on different subjects that have caused me pain and trials over the past year, and the words escaped the moment I started singing a tune that came to me.
It was written shortly after meeting my now husband, but we still struggle with all the problems.
Please let me know what you think. I hope soon to record the tune so you can get the full effect of the song.
Please give me your honest opinion on if you would listen to this as a song
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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This song reminds me of the days i listened to KoRn and a little of Eavenessence...Bad days for me...but they might be better for you -bad phase lol-
anyhow, I like ur shameless...And i know what you mean by it...I would love to see the complete song!
it just needs to be finnished, then I think Ill check it out again...
SEND THE POEM TO ME!!!
OH thats right: you should say WHY is that man a poison...that would be good for verse 3...
2 applauses, just because its not finnished lol
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This actually could be a beautiful song. A sad but dangerously true love ballad. The third verse is all that is needed to truly bring this piece together. I would love to read it when it is finished if you would like message me the link. I am curious to the music this was written to but other then that I do believe this could be a great song. And about the 'good job' comments, I totally agree. I hate it when people wont just tell you what they thought. But great write and please message me the finished link. I would love to see how it could come together.
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Yes, I would listen to this as a song... but whether or not I enjoy it depends on the music style.
Try me!
I like the idea of men being a poison...
Honest criticism.. I don't like the life/strife rhyme...
it seems a little 'too done'. Meaning you created the line to fit with the only word you could find to rhyme. (I hate it when I get stuck like that...!)
I WANT TO READ VERSE 3!
'And you,
You don't realize what you've become.'
I love that.... it resonates in so many ways...
Hope this gave you more than the 'good job,' 'nice write' you were trying to avoid!
Oh and by the way...?
Nice write. -
Don't let me go,
Don't let me fall,
I've had a taste, I want it all.
I'm still confused,
But I understand,
My poison always was a man.
that is actually amazing.
I really want to hear this put to music
because it has an awesome message
and I think it should be shared.
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I think you have some great lyrics to your "song". You did a great job expressing your frustration in this piece. My favorite part was here:
"I'm done, Fighting for you when you won't be saved.
I wish,
I could be the only thing you craved."
That was great, I truly enjoyed it.
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I'm not the best judge of song lyrics, especially when I'm looking for a poem instead. I would have to hear the music for this one, because there's nothing really captivating about the lines, which are mostly telling instead of "showing" with an image or metaphor. The only metaphor may be "love as an addiction", but a little cliche' and over-done before, don't you think? Even in a song, it may rhyme "too much". Some of the best lyrics use "off-rhymes" or "near rhymes". The right music, a great voice, it might work, but it's not working as a poem.
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Whether or not I'd listen to it as a song would hinge on the musical style, but really, my biggest critique would be this: that if you stop worrying about whether or not something rhymes you will find you are much more able to convey your meaning in an original and powerful way. As it stands this is a little trite, but that seems mainly to be because you tried too hard to make it mechanically sound rather than freeing yourself up to play with the language.
Try it sometime and good luck with it. -
that's pretty good, i like the line i wish i was the only thing you craved
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