Fresh vital signs,
playing in the sandbox
with Daddy's piece of
power.
And it shined so bright
and frightened all the neighbors.
Who knew....
I thought the safety was on.
Author notes
It happened again....didn't it?
Lowercase Prelude
Amaranthine Lover
A contest entry
- Pen me anything by Lavender Butterfly.
450 points, ended September 29, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Prewrites From September 2008 by amaranthine lover.
2100 points, ended February 6, 24 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Peer Pressure Contest!! You decide the trophy winners!! by Zenda-Lokki.
1700 points, ended January 7, 77 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - SHORT WRITES BUT POWERFUL IMAGES by DeadlyPoetic88.
1332 points, ended January 21, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Quickie PREWRITES!!! by Maggie Kay.
400 points, ended June 27, 92 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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wow i like the tale of the poem. the image it suggests is powerful and shocking at the same time
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very well written and very short i think you did a wonderful job on writing this poem keep up the great work i hope to see more of your poems soon great job on the trophy and i hope you win in the other contests
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Oh my...this is good. It took me only the last line to understand what you meant by "daddy's piece of power", which I'm sure you intended. Wonderful.
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Whow, wasn't expecting that when I saw the title. A powerful piece written so well with so few words. Great write, congrats on the previous trophy and good luck in the contest.
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Oooh, very nice. Tragic story summed up in such a few words. Obviously I didn't truly know what the poem was about until the very last line. And 'daddy's piece of power' made so much more sense. Sadly things like this happen everyday and you illustrate the simplicity of it all so concisely. Kudo's my friend, at the end of this poem I thought to my self "Oh no, does that mean what I think it means," then after reading it again i thought "dammit, sad but all to true."
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yay I love this one bro!
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Thanks sis
Glad to hear that
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For some reason this poem didn't break my heart or make me feel hurt in any way whatsoever. I am an avid believer that guns need to be more controlled, yet I think the ending left me wondering more than knowing, which isn't always a bad thing, but it is hard to feel for a kid when you don't know if one even got shot. Did he shoot himself? Did he shoot another kid? If this was meant to just be an ironic poem that shows kids will play with just about anything, then it does it's job, though if trying to tug at the heartstrings to me it is missing a certainty. I'll judge it as if it is ironic, and say it was a wonderful poem that gave me a little smile at the end of it.
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Oh my goodness. Chris..this is so powerful! I'm totally putting this up for the spotlight! My brother and father do trap shooting and we have guns in the house, and they kept them lying whereever. I kept saying, "dad, please get a safe" and he kept brushing me off and siad, "mylee, a gun is as only as unsafe as the person holding it" and i said, "how safe would teegan and keegan be with that gun?" (my twin brother and sis who just turned 2)
we now have a gun safe that no one has the combo to but my father.
ing alone,
Mylee
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Ugh. Why must you make me cry? Awesome poem, horrible theme. How sad. :'( Makes my heart hurt.
Good luck in the contest!!!
*HS*
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I feel dumb but I'm really confused. I prob should go sleep soon. I like it and think that is really well worded but I don't get it. I'm sure its me just being dumb- now i really want to know though. sorry for my lame comment
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Don't feel dumb. I'll send you a message and tell you what it's about
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Very profound and deep...creative and well written...love the closing line, it says so much...
best to you!
mystic
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this certainly packs a punch!.. x
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I tried my best to do just that.
Thank you for your comment
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