for patricia, twisting into lions as I sleep
tomorrow I fear
that edge of the forest
will be found
in your arthritic hands
that once
chased children
and sliced potatoes
loving the bitter life lemon
so gently
the hills
were designed for you
the way you looked
radiant at the top
with your brown
or is it black
hair
framing the face
of motherhood
because you knew
your legacy
will live on,
pieces of you
lie on my dresser
and bits
curl in my name-
you never
doubted who you are
and I
shame that
living in and out of puddles
that I dig myself
in case I hit that bottom
with the want to know
death
gnawing like kittens
at feathers
bridge will miss you
cape cod
won't ever be the same
and I whine
over my
fear at the
impact
of loss
Author notes
:C
In a list
A contest entry
- twist by tara wilson.
2250 points, ended October 16, 2008, 17 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critiques are always nice
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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thank you for existing
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I'm positive that critiques would be nice, if you would leave room for them to actually matter. Regardless of my jealousy of your absolutely beautiful words, I do have a few qualms. I think there are some parts that read awkward at first, but after a few re-readings work well. I can definitely see the first stanza, although the comma in the 2nd threw it off and seemed rather pointless, stuck there in the space of your words. If anything a semicolon would work best if your going to use any form of punctuation. Other than that, it's beautiful. Congradulations on the Gold.
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4th one down, and I can read forever.
alas, I have class.
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Congratulations on a great poem and a well deserved trophy.
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I can't tell you how much I love this poem. When I crave to read good poetry - this is the kind of poem I hope to find in my searches.... thank you for entering this.
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i love you
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There is more softness in this piece than I am used to from you -
it is quite brilliant.
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i have read this several times and i am a bit in love with it.
m
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<3, like bill love?
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well...i'm not wanting to suck the poem's dick... but yeah, strong affection none-the-less
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i cant say anything they havent.
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why didn't ap tell me you wrote a new poem? fucker. this is so beautiful, jp.
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this hits home.
my aunt's name was patricia she died earlier this year, and had black hair and 9 children.
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simply the best
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i am sorry for your loss ... i think this piece has spirit to it ... a soul announced into the afterlife ... or forgotten memories , remembered briefly for the sake of sucking it all back in ...
great piece ... good luck in the contest ...
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We all can only hope to leave an impression like this... beautifully penned.
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She must have had a huge impact on you, for you to write such amazing words for her John... i love this gnawing beauty and the aching heart...
truthful and poignant
well done
Gill.xxxx
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I wish you were in los angeles so we could have our arm chair chat
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love this, obvs
meghie
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dude i love everything you write
this is so warm on a chilly night.
nonintentional rhyme there.
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C
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...
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So beautiful. Whatever your loss, even if it's imaginary, I am sorry for it. At least a truly great poem came out of it, though!
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It is hard for me to read your words and NOT connect in a personal way...I love you so much from Texas and your words, though usually full of pain bring me comfort in some odd way...so yeah reading them is like a shot of adrinline to my veins. I know weird but hey what do you expect, I'm blonde
...
the hills
were designed for you
the way you looked
radiant at the top
what a unique thought of hills designed for someone specific...
we should all have our own so we might slide down them on old cardboard boxes when life gets to be too damn much to handle.
pieces of you
lie on my dresser
and bits
curl in my name-
I think pieces of you lie on my dresser, perhaps in the shape of poetry and curl in my name...how fucking perfect!
you rock darlin
and I shall never tire of your words...
but please don't be sad :C...it makes me
and you are far too beautiful for a sad face
♥Becky♥
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:C
yeah,
you write the most amazing depressing stuff.
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Why the :C face? He's kind of addictive to type out, but you know...your poetry is amazing, so stop that!
"chased children
and sliced potatoes
loving the bitter life lemon
so gently"
You are one of those poets that make me so excited every time you use the word 'and' because I know it will be followed up with a phrase that seems disjunct and connected at the same time with the previous phrase/line...LOVED this ditty.
Also, I love it every time you mention lemons...I still remember the lemons in god's tea and how
I was at how good that was. !
Hills being specifically designed for someone? WHAT a nifty and precious thought...
I want hills for myself!
"death
gnawing like kittens
at feathers"
WHAT a truly amazing simile full of sadness. Man, you write emotions so well, and this seems really, really personal. :/
I love kittens.
Last stanza...sums up how you feel perfectly, just like the rest.
Jessica
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:C
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:C
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