the book sheltered the leaf--
the stream would have cast it away.
the same way you were fading into the colors,
as the stadium looked as lucid as i dreamt,
or i caught you by your thorns;
all the pangs of light danced
as my world was fuzzy around the edges.
a single moment prescribes our reality.
i became lost outside the borders of time.
everyone was cheering and the voice was echoing--
through eternity i was smiling, waking from a dream
of mortality, my gaze from endless eyes--
and i knew we were immortal here,
we were immortal here.
i can focus here, as it seems.
i will be the leaf in the stream.
Author notes
vignette - an image that does not have a definite border around it; a small image that is part of a larger print...
this is one moment.
A contest entry
- Vignettes by tomisb.
1750 points, ended October 7, 2008, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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A..curious and very trueful poetry shared here with a personal view of this life ..though we all can relate with it..wonderful work indeeed...
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Yes..the life and its story is discussed with the universal touches and wonderful immages of the truth as well..I love this tone and the image..well done...
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"the same way you were fading into the colors,
as the stadium looked as lucid as i dreamt,
or i caught you by your thorns;
all the pangs of light danced
as my world was fuzzy around the edges."
I think this part is just beautiful. It has a dreamy quality to it, and it's wonderfully descriptive. -
The book sheltered the leaf - beautiful opening line. Possibilities endless, symbol, metaphor -- great show.
the stream would have cast away. Again so much promise in this. The reader is drawn in and will seek to be gifted by what you have shown.
The second stanza introduces a stadium that I cannot see having a connection to the leaf, the book or the stream. I get a feeling of a stream of consciousness more than a picture drawn. A story of images sent on mission of telling.
The third is a two line definition.
Now again the picture of the stadium and the action taking place. The picture begins to take on more definition. To be immortal in the past tense? I felt you were in heaven, but immortality of after life is without end and so always present. I am confused.
The ending is a zen kohn. Beautifully stated.
I don't want to tell you what the poem means. I can only relate how it touches me. I could take the first and last verse and leave out the middle and have a beautiful vignette.
You are trying to do more here. The greatest problems of a poet, any artist really. When is it finally done, and when have I tried too say to much.
Read the definition of a vignette. Be your greatest advocate and your best critique. Remember:nothing is personal unless you make it so. I am actually trying to help and I hope it is received that way. Do not write to please me, write only to achieve what is important to you. Clarity of communication, avoidance of being trite, making it live and breath for the reader are some of my standards. All criticism is rated against these and other standards. So I pick and choose what i see as valuable. please treat my critiques in the same way.
Peace & Light,
Tom B.
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