A temple, this heart
Its vein wish not to move
from where its broad old root
Shoots its foot into the earth
Digging its nail into the dirt
And inhabiting everything with devotion.
Author notes
Choice 2
-under construction-
A contest entry
- Contest- Symbiosis by g r e y i s m.
875 points, ended December 20, 2008, 19 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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wow
The poem itself is very deep. Good luck in the contest! The Shaker
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Hmmm. I think it's a nice start. However, I am a bit confused with the grammar in the second line. Also, the ending seems a bit weak. Or not so much weak really, but less consistent with the style you are using in the rest of the piece. I do like the sounds of the words in the middle stanza, I think that it's kind of "Plathish".
I know you said this is under construction, and I can appreciate that. Please let me know when you are finished with this. I would definitely like to see what you do with it. Don't be afraid to make this longer. I think that it might be a good idea to stretch this out a bit.
Thanks for entering,
Lea -
Digging its nail into the dirt
And inhabiting everything with devotion
I love the image these lines gives...
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Like eating dirt at a construction site. This feels like a tough old wrangler unwilling to back down on a bet or give up on his word.
I like hearing a heart and devotion given some sweat and tears.
Peace,
Tom B.
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