you rain like florida,
yellow star tint
lands sunny side up:
exposed
precious less than diamonds
to wed white dress
you hide, too late
to run from what scratches
cubic zirconia breasts.
flowered three seasons over
like a haiku -
you pen vain wishes in black book
you'd like to destroy;
powerless fire leaves
thirst unquenched.
rolled in humidity
hair flies, marry muddy
eating dirt fed to you
without a cry,
because you like the taste of nature.
matched the color of
eyes
blinked too late, and
hurricane got in.
scream a storm
song bathed in beauty
light electric crash,
wet legs left covered
a tinkling of wind chimes
leaves nothing unscathed:
you, little girl,
swung to the top
seat left empty;
green little ribbon
drenched heartless
hope rains like
florida.
~~~
Author notes
option 6
A contest entry
- A Contest by luna-midnight.
700 points, ended October 19, 2008, 24 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
~~~
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Agree with Cha here, the potential is staggering, you have some very unique images that blow me away (and I thought I was an image whore
)
Now for what I consider to be the weak points, Cha was right it does read very choppy, I know to try and remove unnecesary transition words can be a good thing but taking it to far can make it almost seem like a list .. not quite that here but getting close.
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Thank you for your comment... I'll definitely try to watch it next time.
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This was very very interesting... the lines were strong and the emotion obvious. If anything, you'd only have to work on the transitions between the lines - as it felt choppy.
Unless you intend it to be that way.
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hmm. You're right, they are a bit choppy, and I'm not sure if I intend them to be that way.
I'm going to review my knowledge of transition words. 
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Strong stuff here
C
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love the rain, but walking in it is another story.
I really enjoyed your poem.
You seem to have some awesome talent.
Keep it up.
Loveandblessings2u & yours always
Joyce
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Thank you for your comment!
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wow, this is awesome cassie, i love it, hahaha, and omg, i was the one walking in the rain, meanie face
hehehe, thats somehow of how i got sick
hahahaha, thanks for entering, and you better enter again
good luck! Stephanie ♥
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