Each night I finger write the names
on my pillow
as a ritual before sleep.
(They mimic those uttered
in the hiss of traffic
when I am oblivious:
existing in unrequited corners,
so heartfelt, madly phobic.)
Will you let me sing,
under the tone-deaf neon signs,
plead to hold the long notes,
quietly insist we can blend and be one
for the length of the song
(all three minutes),
me and a constellation of smiles
and maybe one more.
I am changed.
By the end of the song,
my breaths,
temporary diamonds,
hang in deadfall
on the shivering curtains.
Hastily hung
over the plunging sky
that walls my mind.
The disorient
In the heat we would share the words,
the communion shells,
sacrificing passion and reason.
How did we arrive here?
Crossing paths,
a bizarre running
in errata.
Where will I be?
Where can I breathe?
Maybe I should sleep now.
I cannot keep
this twice edged scythe
in my crazed and magnetised hand,
this curious burden:
perpetual parallel reaping
of eyes, of bone, of throat.
What of blue harmony?
Do you know the edge of this light?
We must wash raw white eyes,
or plead with
solferino laced fists!
Spilling dyes into street horizons.
Tell me it scars you too.
Tell me anything.
Author notes
This is a poem I want people to change.I have listed a number of Collaborators. If you wish to join the Collaborators of this poem and change it just ask and I will add you
A contest entry
- ~Give me your BEST Prewrites~ by Bean Sidhe.
1000 points, ended November 14, 2008, 46 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 56 of 56
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This was a really great poem. I enjoyed it. It was wicked deep and the form was rather nice.
My favorite lines : "I cannot keep
this twice edged scythe
in my crazed and magnetised hand,
this curious burden:
perpetual parallel reaping
of eyes, of bone, of throat"
I don't know why... those lines just kind of stood out to me
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Yes. These are truly good lines....and belong entirely to "anesthesia" aka "The Slug" who is a fabulous poet but keeps taking her work out of our sight.
As to the poem itself . It is too , wicked deep. Thanks for taking thhe time to read it.
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Are we finished? . . for now?
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i think so, until the next one...
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Thank you for your entry & good luck!
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neat to see how this poem has developed, i think it keeps growing stronger each time i look at it.
i'll admit i found it hard at times to follow all the leaps and bounds in imagery and action in this... we are taken on quite a journey, so much is going on in this poem, absolutely teeming with rich, vibrant diction and original images and phrasing. which is meant as praise, but i don't feel like i grasp what is being said here well enough to jump into the writing process.
without further ado, here are some thoughts:
i absolutely love- the first two stanzas, especially "hiss of traffic." "I am changed." "Tell me it scars you.//Tell me anything." "and maybe one more."
"wash raw white eyes
or plead with
solferino laced fists." talk about gripping imagery.
"crazed and magnetised hand"
"curious burden"
"tone-deaf neon signs"
to name just a few examples of intriguing phrases.
the rhethorical questions also add a nice effect, a nice "texture" to this.
i changed a few things that threw me off a bit- the two dots "..", the use of the colon, semicolon, and addeda few commas. and "ever" in "ever spilling dyes" and "to" in "to diplay a constellation of smiles," the repetition of "now," which seemed a bit out of place to me. just surface changes really, may have been a couple others i forgot to mention here. i was guessing at intent at times, feel free to change anything back.
anyway, overall, this is coming along really well! thanks for bringing it to my attention!
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Thankyou so much for looking at this . I tell others of your superb editting!
all those leaps and bounds of imagery occurred because three people realy took to this poem and let it move in their own visions.
Some bits seemed excellent but disparate...and there were a few compromises that didn't quite work.
I like the way you have pulled this together and made it really strong ...I was at the stage of thinking the whole concept was a great experiment which taught me much. but now I begin to see again a rich poem.
the "constellation of smiles" of bit was mine...the rest of that section was "I" wishing these things ......addressed to a constellation of smiles
As it is now it suggests that I display a constellation of smiles (which I often do ...but not in this case)
Any suggestions to clarify this.
I do like the flow you have given to this
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Wow- You've really polished the surface. Thanks for putting the insane combinations of ideas we've thrown into this into a sensical flow. The alien scraps of flesh blend better now. We needed that. . and might be able to continue a little further lol.
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wow...I really enjoy the way you write. So vibrant, so vividly emotional....
Smile
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Ya- "the" is better.
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Thoughts, questions
I like the way this creation is being pulled to and fro as if by the sun and moon...and it is a live thing changing subtley in places.
I printed it out again planning to work at it tomorrow night...and have noted theses things which need some thought
a) the title is too clunky....and I'm not sure of Sunday ...but that does give it a link to "communion" and "sacrificing" ...and could their be connections to theses ...maybe "confessions" ?
Should the 5th word be "the" rather than "these"?
c) There is lots of good stuff in the section beginning "Will you let me sing" but the rhythm is too ragged
d) Can "the disorient " be incorporated into a phrase ?
e) In the three lines beginning "Where will I be" I am concerned about the repeated "where" and even more about the "now" ....I like the idea of "Sleep" recurring here (Who added it?) but the line is too plain.
f) The three questions beginning "What of blue harmony? seem too many.
...especially the repetion of "Do you know...
Do you wash...."
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In response to d- that's what it's there for.. the same with most other things.. take it a as swollen skeleton with rags of flesh and scruffs of fur. This computer is doing a strange thing of going to another page to reply to comments.. so I can't see it at the moment, but I don't think I added anything to do with sleep, so that must be Johnny.
The questions were also just original starting points we haven't got around to changing yet.
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Wow.
You are both putting more into it at the moment than I am....but I am looking and listening to the changes and reasons.
I love your detailed comments.
On the negative side...i now think the title is too long and bulky.
and I keep stumbling on "the disorient" even though i can see its meaning.
in alittle while I will try to rewrite it in my own way and you will feel free to cange it back. I am more focussed on a couple of other poems that are "shaping up"
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Those hollow names are introverted apparitions
which spin, flash a gnashing of teeth
in their turning light
traced by the footfall of Macbeth.
This stanza is not needed i feel, taking it out might save this work(as a whole) from the butcher's knife. Also it makes the transition easier to this stanza:
How did we arrive here?
Crossing paths,
a bizarre running
in errata.
Thoughts?
P.S. Doesn't mean it's not a great stanza, it is!
I'm sorry Gemma!
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I took out the stanza.. but I think it lacks something around there.. disjointed, still. Bones need padding.
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Nah.. Go for it..it was a long compromise of two lines -It don't fit
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I love "Sunday's toll".. not sure about "aching, oblivious".. -That could be rearranged.
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Alright I'm going for gusto, I'm gonna start playing with the title! LOL
Go ahead you two fight me for it! LOL
Take care to you both.
J -
Should i make the first stanza a home base? hmmm
where do you guys think our point of reference is(should be) in this poem? -
by the way
Ok a few changes once again, the best i can do, I'm trying to pull these images into each other, let me know... I'm not happy with the wording, but I feel it's critical to reign in our amazing one liners! -
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You had "imaginary curtain".. and "in his head"- I don't think it needed both so I sheepishy changed a line back
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Thanks.. this needed changing...and don't be sheepish....be bullish and change what you will
The images don't all connect ...and need to...if you can make the connections that would be great...I am busy with living and writing new words which will appear here when I get time for reflection.
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We should work on this. It could be stewed down quite a lot and some of images don't connect.. mainly compromises of my recent additions.. they may be too abstract. Though I can't think what to do with it.. particularly the title..
..block]
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Simply Poectic
In the heat we share the words
the communion shells:
sacrificing passion and reason.
My god, I was struggling with this stanza before, you've done and outstanding job remodelling it!
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on the shivering curtains
and the fallen sky.
good line but I just can't picture curtains hung on something fallen, I always pictured, your breath(cold outside) drifting on a curtain, the very one that is the barrier, to you and those 'names'. like a veil...
I'll ponder it
Otherwise, remarkable Adrian, simply proffesional!
This work has real substance.
I need a day or two to read and consider this.
It's that good.
Great job 2 you both.
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You are spot on...with the "curtains" and "fallen" I will fix it somehow. Thanks for reading so closely to see this. It slipped through.
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I get your point on a fallen sky-- though it is a strong emotional line, that does well in capturing the moment. We made need to focus on something between suspended and fallen..two birds with one stone.
I've temporarily changed it to plunging.. and added something disorientating as a base for a saner idea lol.
Sustain has become keep. Simpler, more fitting, but I fear boring. Has it removed a texture? If so, replace it. It had a good tone.
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of eyes, of bone, of throat
or any void
know the edge of light
ever spilling dyes into street horizons
-make much sense...or too personal? -
I have restructured a fair bit...so it makes sense to me ...has anyone anywhere every experienced a poem with such an organic and dynamic life.
And you two...fight back and change things again , or back ..or whatever...this process has gone better than I expected. Thankyou.....and i am not finished!!!! -
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Hell. This is amazing...
Dynamic indeed.. you do things to the lines I would never dream of. Contort them into beauty, compex obscurities so close to the bone...
How was the concert?
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Wow the more I read, the more I get out of this... The more I want to add/nurture. both your ideas are very inspiring! I must admit this is very exciting, to see the changes made, and also how complimentary our three styles are becoming.
Can't wait to see the next revision!
P.S.
Can I change the title? Or would that be too much?
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Please do change the title. Never hesitate.. I could only come up with the bizzare baptismal/morbid shit at the bottom of these comments so. Yeah that would be great
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I've made small changes, lines:
madly, deadfall, flickers, hand, perpetual parallel, display..then there was blue & raw...appart from that
?
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hope this helps, at least it looks nice!! lol to me...
A curious burden,
an eternal reaping.... -
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nice lines methinks.. ya.
elegant
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;
solferino- a reddish dye named after the battle of Solferino..obtained from rosaniline..
communion shells.
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I was thinking of a new trinity I have only got as far as Innocence
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..unholy trinity
thats cute- i'll be the son then lol.
hmmm... the edit link has vanished. I will return to put a string of echoes into this.. -
I love "Twice edged scythe" . I think it needs echoes or precursors in other places...it matches well with "scars" ...and "Macbeth"(and that opens up avenues for maybe "Ghosts"...
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Oh thankyou both!!!(or all 3 of you others hahaha!)
Johnny and Gemma.I have put in a few tiny, tiny changes ...and plan to have another serious poke at it on Thursday. When(if) it is finished I have no idea who The Author is....maybe just the"unholy trinity" -
I added three "lines"..unsure; scythe, turning light and the other trace..
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yes temporary is best...i think
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another feeling i got
By the ending of the song,
my breath,
fleeting diamonds
on the curtain of this world.
my addition -
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that is rather beautiful, I love that, nice touch Keep sculpting
anesthesia is my other account.
I think its just the three of us.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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I agree with adrian i soo love"finger write" it's such an innocent intro, almost...hmm... whats the word...gentle.
This poem is beautiful everybody, it really is getting good, I'm going to get my knife and fork, this is a full read!
Keep up the great work guys!!
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Wow. You've had some great epithany it seems. I like the remodelling here .. good emotional substance to it now. Reads more like music. ;
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"..they are phobic-- (they are avoided by most)
to most"
"model like the warm" (from pretend we are warm)
"those hollow names (All those empty names)
dead apparitions"
?
xxxx -
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Thankyou for joining in with this game ...which is more than a game...and for all the changes...and those to come
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great line slug
'in the hiss of traffic' great line that adds to that other worldly confusion, i really get the feeling we are writing about such a gentle tragic confusion.
I just hope my lines can add to such a great poem, one that already was great before i threw my wooden nickles in the shoe box!
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ok i changed 'against' to 'under the neon signs', i don't want to bring any anger into this one lol
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I am unhappy with the two "signs" ....and the original second half is rubbish and needs severe attention
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existing in worlds unrequited,
so heartfelt they are avoided.
By most.
Will you let me sing,
against the neon signs,
These are my changes, I'm picturing you in a personal way Afxb, without judging of course. I felt I needed to be blunt to get the point across.
lol
Hope you guys like my addition!
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Love the changes... that stanza works well methinks. I have now confessed to my changes also...
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Feel free to reverse my......efforts lol.
will return xx
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Ha.
This is fun...i don't know who changed what.
And, oh, don't apologise for changes. I want the collaborators to go for it.
I was thinking of this poem in the night and knew it was too abstract...so the addition of traffic and neon signs is just what is needed ...and other parts could touch on this too.
Love the singing and tone deaf neon signs.
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ok.. I'm responsible for.........
the "mimic" (from the same as)
"sign" in the first stanza (from finger write)... "hiss", instead of midst.. I did something with "worlds unfounded" in the third stanza.. but that has been ammended lol.
I'm also responsible for the dashes and the choppy jaggedness in places..
This is fun.. I'll go crazy on it if you don't mind.
I was thinking about something to do with baptism...(names, rituals ect)..but that didn't seem to fit...or some connection in the title to an old death penalty that involves getting dragged around by a horse until you drop dead lol.....but nah...I'll be serious.
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