Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read Contests Groups Learn Forums Store Help
 

Pas De Deux

i.

Beneath me,
he plays a slow concerto -

an ascent
of melodic motion, I am
gently  lifted
on the aria of wind

higher and higher


until softly I fall
again
into the rhythm of
making love.


ii.

In dusky hues
of a raspberry sky,
the silhouette of our
pas de deux
seduces a sigh
from a summer moon
still hidden within
the final hour of daylight.   


iii.

Above me,
his eyes close in cadence -

so still so still


until he opens them again
and the tremors begin
triplet waves

rising in crescendo

I am filled
with the sound of
his music.


Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Author notes

This is an anonymous contest ~~~ shhhh ~~~

pas de deux - a dance of two

In a list

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 68 of 68

  • adsaige
    May 21
    Edit | Reply
    <3
    what other words can be said?


  • nancy drew
    October 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    so very beautiful.

    helen~


  • Sesheta
    October 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This poem would make a beautiful song. Something about its cadence, its vocabulary, its succinct soulfulness...ah, t'would be exquisite.


  • Draig aine gold member
    October 6, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    thumbs up

    loved the cadance


  • Nicolette gold member
    October 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Lovely! You can dance and make me want to dance like this too (poetically i mean, lol). Loved these vignettes.

    ~ Nicolette


  • poetgirl25
    October 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    took my breath away

    Wow, what a beautiful, sensual love poem; I love the erotic use of dance as metaphor; very nicely done! I love this!


  • DolceVito gold member
    October 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Magnifique!

    Tres bien! Time for a cold shower and dance lessons.


  • Randomly Beautiful
    October 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I am filled
    with the sound of
    his music.


  • PrabhuDayal Khattar silver member
    October 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The sound of his music.. and his presence.. and his love.. and his touch..and his every thing is the sign to share the life and love..just beautiful summery you made here..well done...


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    October 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Nothing more need be said about this other than *sigh*

    Absolutely stunning!


  • nordicsky silver member
    October 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    “In dusky hues
    of a raspberry sky,
    the silhouette of our
    pas de deux
    seduces a sigh
    from a summer moon
    still hidden within
    the final hour of daylight.”

    This is just perfect.
    Thankyou,
    Love, Peter


  • jocelynclaire
    October 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ballet becomes romance becomes love making becomes wonderful. If that makes any sense at all.

  • xxsnakebites
    September 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    pas de deux?
    not of two?


  • AutumnGypsy gold member
    September 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Gosh, this is how it should be love and dance, united as one, as that is what it is all about. You capture every heart. Best to you in the contest


  • Balldinger silver member
    September 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    ...and the tremors begin
    triplet waves


    see, i told you - a pair of triplets trumps a crowd of rosy tumblers. it don't get much pinker than that.


  • malmadre gold member
    September 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful music Lane! my words cant express how lovely this one is.


  • Image and Visions silver member
    September 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    wonderful

    what a seductive and eloquently moving piece, sudtle, strong with a classical flair.


  • tara wilson gold member
    September 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "gently lifted
    on the aria of wind"

    I love that

    - this is a beautiful sensuality, I love vignette ii.





  • silverfish
    September 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    folie à deux

    -a madness or delusion shared by two people.

    -anonymousfish


  • Cup-a-Joe
    September 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Whoever you are you write exotic in beautiful words.
    Joe


  • sailor ptolema
    September 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    so, i'm listening to disturbia by rihanna right now... and it strangely goes with this poem .


    this is some kind of exotically beautiful piece .

    meg


  • Pure Thought silver member
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You are the music
    your poetry the instrument
    and we your audiance
    are ever astounded
    by the beauty you compose
    and play through your
    poetic instrument.

    Thank you


  • notorious gold member
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I think it's hard to remain anonymous when a couple of people have said your name in their comments...but what the hell, I'll give this my best cupcake-frosting at trying to help you stay anonymous (though your talent never will be )

    I refrained from clicking on this for a while, but then I was like, "What the hell, I have to read her stuff no matter what".

    Yeah, I am totally digging the i./ii./iii. format, especially since it's in lowercase !

    "slow concerto" Love that, and it fits the context, which obviously fills me with revulsion, but I can appreciate awesome poetry even if I don't like the subject. Generally speaking, anyways.

    "gently lifted"
    This is kind of a stupid thing to comment on, but it looks to my eyes that there are two spaces in between 'gently' and 'lifted'...was that intentional? LoL

    "into the rhythm of
    making love."
    Now this is just my personal opinion...
    I think you do music metaphors exceptionally well here, but "of/making love" felt unneeded to me, because the topic of this poem is pretty obvious, right? If you just made it "into the rhythm", I think it's more of a slight mystery.
    Feel free to ignore me for that, por favor.

    ii.==>my favorite ditty of all 3 of them...the sparse use of French really works...magnifique, you could say. I don't even like French, LMAO!

    "raspberry sky"
    O-M-G!
    Not only is this unbelievably yummy, creative and visual...well...I just like it MUCHO!!!

    Do I have your permission to steal the phrase?

    iii.
    "in waves of triplet"
    Could that be "in triplet waves"? The 'of' feels unnecessary, but I don't think it is murdering the poem in a significant way, so keep it you disagree with me and want to hurt me.

    The ending obviously, totally works.
    Perfecto ending...

    Jessica!




  • Thoughts-of-Soloman
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Most beautifully done Lane

    Sol


  • arafura gold member
    September 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    The most wonderful dance of all. It take two to tango!


    • Dalaney gold member
      September 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      damn straight thank you so much for reading and for the applause.


  • JohnnyD gold member
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    anonymous???????? Well, damn good thing no one recognizes your writes Pedro. So how is El Paso these days? Does your sister still live near you? If so does she have Carla's number? Yeah, that Fox who worked with her at the Eagle's Nest Down on Dyer St? If so, I suspect the numero uno she was living with the last time I talked to her is either dead or split?

    if so tell her for me to call Mike's mom in Kermit-she has the number- and ask her for my number. I'll tell Cindy that she might call. tell her its worth five days in Rio Rico with Jamie and her older sister. and yes, you can tell her I will leave her alone
    -in a pigs eye.

    hey, does she still have that old Yamaha V-Max or did dimwit get her a real bike? Probably not, he only spent real money on himself and his male buds....
    regardless, tell her I'll fly her into Tucson and pick her up and when we're done with the weekend I'll drive her back to El Paso. Besides, I've been hankering for some good Mexican food-the old way.

    Gracias Amigo!

    Len


    • marc creamore
      September 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Fantastic response!!!!

      • JohnnyD gold member
        September 28, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Hey Marc, didn't know you knew Pedro eh? Did you know Carla? she worked at the Red Parrot, over on Gateway blvd, before she worked the Eagle's nest ? The owner's son kept hitting on her so she moved on. And no, I am not Latino, but ya gotta admit there are some serious good looking Latino gals in this part of the US?

        Little tough to outdo Pedro though eh?



        len


        • marc creamore
          September 28, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          Oh Christ, my identity has been revealed, you bastard!!! I was the owner's son!


          • Mairi bheag gold member
            September 28, 2008
            Edit | Reply
            We leave our bloody fingerprints wherever we go. We live with that!

          • JohnnyD gold member
            September 28, 2008
            Edit | Reply
            Damn! Wondered where the hell you were? thought maybe you were kidnapped in Juarez or something?

            Hey, you know you still owe me $80.00 for that chrome tank for your big Bob back in 86? Damn near got caught stealing it in the first place. LOL!

            • marc creamore
              September 28, 2008

              Edit | Reply
              Okay, okay, okay . . . sorry bro . . . the 80 bucks is in the mail. I did get cornered down in Juarez, Dylan wrote a song about the incident on one of his late 80's albums, can't remember which one its on though . . .


  • Jersene gold member
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    sigh...this is beautifully soft and sensual. I love the image of a 'raspberry sky' and how fitting the references to music play out this pas de deux. Excellent penning


    • Dalaney gold member
      September 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Jersene...

      my thanks for not only reading
      this poem, but for the time you took
      to write such a kind comment.


  • tomisb
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The picture fading to blend into the background. An etching. The center chapter around which the piece doth spin.

    The imagery in the first a spiral of music, almost symphonic in orchestration. A bold stage painted here, a setting fit for the opera.

    The second: a clear percise etching of a time, a place, a couple.

    The third: the drama still within the frame but bleeding and blending in time giving the colors meaning. Sensual, erotic without telling the reader a thing but stimulating their senses to acknowledge what is happening within them. Beautifully done.

    A great series of vignettes set, staged and culminated with the strength of the maestro recognized in the understatement.

    Thank you for the entry,
    Tom B.


  • PerVirtuous
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Maestro must really be able to wave that baton!

    Three bunny virtuoso hand clappers for you.


  • Sue Cardwell gold member
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Like the rest of the comments your words astound me. The flow and images you plant inside my mind are beautiful, much like the poet herself

    All the best

    Love
    Sue


    • Dalaney gold member
      September 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Sue...

      i am in good company when you
      are near. thank you so very much
      for being here.

  • Mairi bheag gold member
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    BIG NEON SIGN - "THE POET IS IN"

    That indicates how anonymous this is! As does the vast tailback of comments by the usual suspects.

    OK critique time - you say my critiques turn you on, so please read this sitting down (lying down if you insist).

    The central metaphor of dance - pas de deux - is introduced by the title; but the reader is instantly taken into a poem where the extended metaphor is not specifically dance, but music as a whole. To me, this says that you should consider changing the title to one that doesn't jar so much with what follows.

    What does follow is poetry of your usual high quality. I am looking for the heart-stopping phrase, "the 'Ah!' moment", which I often find in your poems, a sudden, magical phrase which lifts the whole, shifts it up a gear. It doesn't come! Why not? I think because you maintain a high level from the very beginning. One thing is sacrificed in favour of the other. This time I miss the thing which is sacrificed! It is like a difficult and perfectly performed gymnastic routine in the Olympics (to coin a different metaphor) that lacks only the hazarding of its points by the introduction of a risky but brilliant move.

    If it wasn't for the fact that I too think you are arguably the best poet on AP bar none, I wouldn't point this out, I would just award bunnies and lavish praise. I still think you will carry off a trophy in this contest - maybe even the shiniest one - and deservedly so.

    luv
    M


    • paulcreates silver member
      September 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I do agree somewhat about the title Mairi.
      Dare I offer an alternate response to the rest? If you've ever seen an orchestra rehearse or you've been in a large musical group you might notice that the maestro will adjust the play of the various instruments to his liking based on several factors including the nature of the piece they're performing - less pronounced pianissimo here, more or less forte there,etc... No two conductors are alike. The 'maestro' here might be thought of as the conductor. In your critique you seem to be asking for something more along the lines of erotica, with the usual surges in intensity. (No wonder, since you have said that you started writing in that genre.)
      In this case I'm going to suggest that perhaps one of the very subjects within the poem, the maestro, may have requested, either figuratively or literally, that the poem be conducted with more reservation, more romantic subtlety, according to his ear's taste as it were, ...and the poet, obviously given to this nice person, simply obliged.
      Hey, it could happen.

      Paul

      • Mairi bheag gold member
        September 28, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        "In your critique you seem to be asking for something more along the lines of erotica"

        No no no, Paul! I have no quarrel with the subject matter, nor the extended metaphor. It is simply as I said: this poem maintains a plateau (as it happens, much higher than many/any other writers can maintain), but that in itself creates a problem for a reader who is used to a turning point, a shock, a sudden spike of inspired brilliance, from this writer. Sure, an orgasm can do that, but so can a kick in the pants! And so can a subtle caress, amidst restraint.

        I take on board your final paragraph - I hear you - but I still call it like I see it.

        • paulcreates silver member
          September 29, 2008

          Edit | Reply
          Not just one 'no' but three?
          I did understand what you were saying, pardon me for forgetting to mention that, but I was simply pointing out a different way of looking at this. Sometimes when affection is involved in the chemistry of the prompt, the poet will, either consciously or subconsciously, write a piece emulating the writing style of of the other person if that person is also a poet.


          • Mairi bheag gold member
            September 29, 2008
            Edit | Reply
            You're worth three of anything in anyone's coinage, Paul.

    • Just a poet gold member
      September 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      arguably?
      That's fighting talk


      • Mairi bheag gold member
        September 28, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        No, just arguable talk. There is an Irish yard of difference.


  • Swangrnv gold member
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    oh, how like

    the music a fiddle doth play,
    The lady makes the poet sway..
    in tune to the
    sounds of melodies across
    the corridors of the mind too soon..
    in others words..I LOVE THIS! kudos poetess!

  • Just a poet gold member
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    If there was any doubt about who is the best writer on AP, this has to dispel it.
    This is all about music, from someone who has never heard it, absolutely wonderful, enough to make any poetry love fall in love, bit late in my case but still ...



  • cricketjeff gold member
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I am in awe, you have written so much music into a poem, HOW?!?!?!
    Your writing just gets better and better, and this is as good as it gets, until, I suppose next time!


  • Alyzeh
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a brilliant piece Dalaney. I can't decide what I like best about this poem, all of it is simply beautiful.

    Awesome work.

  • Rowan gold member
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh, divinely sensual, hon. Beautiful.
    Bravo.


  • Cannonsfire
    September 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    won't say a word...

  • paulcreates silver member
    September 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    I stand in awe...

    ~~~

    ...the score of music you've written here plays me like a Stradivarius - every note chosen with sensitivity and grace. From pianissimo to double forte...I love it...I just love it...



    Paul


    • Dalaney gold member
      September 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Paul...

      what a beautiful comment. thank you very much.


  • Soft-Rain gold member
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A captivating read. So much for anonymous lol.
    Really beautiful imagery of lovemaking.


  • chilali
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Fantastic!

    A brilliant write! You always amaze me with your works. Such talent you've got. I love the way you use the words and how you make your poetry flow with such ease. I loved every bit of this poem. And I have to say, my favorite were the ending lines. "I am filled with the sound of his music" So very beautiful. You never fail to capture the reader's attention! Btw, good luck in the contest, not that you need it!

1 - 68 of 68