pluck
strands of starlight
from my head
getting too old
for this shit
bad part of town
bad moon rising o'er my shoulder
four a.m. and I'm on the road
with a backpack in the back seat
just another day
(this time)
holding out,
holding tight till tomorrow
and last night
you were here
and I plucked the starlight
strand by strand from my head
left you nothing
to hold onto,
no strings to play me by
no grips, no
strings
I got no strings and
I'm too old for this shit
or maybe I'm just tired
and I don't mean to say
you're not pretty
and I don't mean to say
I wasn't wishing you were still there
waiting at my door
after I threw you out
for being pretty
when I opened it to check
ten minutes later.
but now I'm driving
though a bad part of town
bad moon rising at four a.m.
ringing his phone,
hoping this won't be the one and only time I get the machine.
Please tell me what you think. First draft, very rough, comments & critiques welcomed with open arms. Lauching rotten eggs and week-old tunafish at anyone who suggests this is about a boat.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Love the images and language in most of this. I question the use of o'er - why the archaic word? For that matter, why the reference to Bad Moon Rising, or am I just being dense? The last line leaves me puzzled but that's ok. Made me go back and reread. Well Done.
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I like this as it is, really. It has a lot of emotion and it really tells a story. I like the use of "strings" in the poem. Good Job!
My favorite part.
"just another day
(this time)
holding out,
holding tight till tomorrow
and last night
you were here
and I plucked the starlight
strand by strand from my head
left you nothing
to hold onto,
no strings to play me by
no grips, no
strings"
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pluck
strands of starlight
from my head
in a bad part of town
bad moon rising o'er my shoulder
last night
you were here
and I
strand by strand
left you nothing
to hold
onto,
no strings to play me
i threw you out
for being pretty
wishing you were still there
I opened to check
ten minutes later.
or maybe i'm just tired... -
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Nobody called the demolition crew, gowei. <3
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Great!
I just love this poem exactly as it is
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this piece is charged with emotion - i like it the way it is - but i am wondering if the last line should be condensed maybe just "hoping i won't get the machine". the fact that it is the one and only time might be superfluous, i'm not sure.
of course my favorite part is the idea of plucking starlight from your head
"and I plucked the starlight
strand by strand from my head
left you nothing
to hold onto" - refreshingly original. overal a great read. i enjoyed this. - Nangaleema
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You make a valid point about that last line, actually. It's one of those details that makes sense to me because I was in the situation, but really doesn't have a place in this piece. It won't survive the revision, I suspect.
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i am interested to see what comes of the revision. i like what you've got going already. but it is neat to watch the evolution of a poem too.
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I'm tempted to pretend I think it's a boat just to have shit launched at me but I know better by now ;P I really, really like it as is. It reminds me a lot of my situation, so I sympathize. Stupid boys with their stupid boy penises (to put it kindly) Although I have to say I'm surprised by the way you wrote it; I actually understood it the first time! Usually I have to reread and look closer to truely understand what you're saying. Not because you're vague, but because you have such depth and complexity. Then again, with this kind of hurt it's hard to be witty and clear-headed, so that makes sense. If you want to vent about how retarded it is to run around and beat the same bush, then I'm all ears. Really really :3
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