BEZZY MATES
Me mate Sammy and me were always together when we were kids. Sammy was a great laugh and he lived on our street; we were always together. We were no angels like, and used to go knock n nashin’ around the ‘ouses. Old Mrs Bell would run out with a cup of water to throw over us, but she knew our mams and we never meant no harm like, … just ‘avin a laugh.
We was in the juniors together an’ both got in the footy team. We was made up and used to knock around in our kit to show off like. Me an’ Sammy were Evertonians an’ went to nearly all the matches with Sam’s dad.
When we was old enough we’d catch the bus to the Pier ’ead an’ go to New Brighton for the day on the Royal Daffy ferry. We’d ‘ave a great time on the rides an’ stuff our faces full of candy floss. We was always together.
Sammy was brainy but he wasn’t a toff; ‘e knew everything, especially maths an’ I always used to copy his homework. The teachers thought I was good till they found out it was his brain I was usin’.
We were eleven when we took the scholarship exam and I knew Sammy would pass an’ I wouldn’t, so we’d end up goin’ to different schools; but I knew we’d always be mates so it didn’t bother me too much.
The day the results came out was swelterin hot an’ I felt depressed because I’d failed, even though I knew I would. Sam came round our ‘ouse with a new bike his dad got him for passing into the Blue Coat School; a really posh one in town. He wanted me to go for a ride with ‘im but I said no ‘cos it was too hot and I was fed up. So he went off on his own; made up with ‘is new bike.
Later that day me mam told me Sammy was dead; knocked off his bike at the end of our Road. I’ve never forgot ‘im.
For years I tried to avoid ‘is mam an’ dad ‘cos I knew if they saw me it would remind them of Sam an’ they’d be thinkin’, ‘Our Sammy would ‘ave been that age now.’
Last summer I went to the grave-yard next to the Blue-Coat School where he’s buried to see if I could find ‘is grave, I looked everywhere but ‘ad no joy, so I’m on me way out an’ some kids kicked a footy over the wall an’ shouted, ‘Get the footy for us mister!’, So I went to fetch it for them. When I bent down to pick it up I just looked at the gravestone an’ there’s Sammy’s name starin’ back at me. I threw the ball an’ tried to stop the tears, but I couldn’t.
I’ll never forget Sammy. We was always together; bezzy mates.
Author notes
Friendship, tragedy, SOM
A contest entry
- Contest Short Story of the Month - SOM by Arkbear by Arkbear.
1500 points, ended October 9, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
Hi there this was for sure very sad for me to read I have had a nephew who was hit by a car and it brought back flooding emotions over me luckily he did live but it took him a while to recover this is a piece that is very tragic but to me a piece that could be made better wuth the judges advice that they give goodluck to you in the contest be well
-
Hi there and welcome to the SOM!
Seeing so many comments below your story by people who have lost a childhood friend in a bicycle accident makes me realize how often such things must happen...I feel lucky to have never known anyone killed that way...although I do know someone who hit a child on a bike. It was horrible from that perspective as well...but I can only imagine how tragic and painful actually losing someone would be...
...And therein lies my biggest concern with the story you've written. It is a sad story for sure...but unfortunately, that is something I "know" but didn't really "feel" from reading this.
Your main character tells the story beautifully, and it seems very heartfelt. I can empathize with him to a certain degree. Rather than "hearing" him tell it though, I'd love to be brought into the story itself, and watch things unfold through his eyes. That is where the biggest impact would be made...IMO.
I enjoyed both the introduction and conclusion, the ending being especially poignant. For the middle, I'd love to see you expand this and actually walk the reader through the day. Let your readers hear Sammy trying to talk his "mate" into going with him, let us feel and hear the gravel beneath the main character's feet as he scuffs his shoes over it in despondence. Maybe he could even hear the screech of tires from down the street, even if he doesn't know until later it involved Sammy.
Anyway...these are just some ideas that would take this from "being" sad...to making me "feel" sad...perhaps even bring some readers to tears. But as always, these are only my opinions. You did a great job with the dialect btw. Too much can hinder the reading, but I thought you put just the right amount in to give it a regional flair.
My scores and other areas I scored are below...TY for joining us, and hope to see you back again soon!
Best wishes,
~J.
Rules: 5/5
Opening: 3.5/5
Middle: 2.5/5
Ending: 4/5
Theme: 3.5/5
Imagery: 3/5
Dialogue: 2/5
Setting: 2.5/5
Point of View: 5/5
Sentence Structure: 3.5/5
Basic Grammar: 3/5
Punctuation: 3.5/5
Style: 4/5
Show Vs. Tell: 2.5/5
Ability to Hold Interest: 6.5/10
Character Development:3 /5
Originality: 4/5
Lasting Impression: 6/10
Total: 67/100
A little tweaking and a few additions would bring this score up nicely!
-
Hey, welcome to the SO
This is a sad tale indeed, such a shame when a young life is cut short. I like the way this came across, the language did throw me at first a little but I soon got into it and found on the whole it enhanced the story greatly. It added to the images I had of two friends and the air surrounding your write. I also like the honesty of avoidance, something quite common in times you've portrayed here. There really isn't anything much left for me to say. You conveyed your emotions well and although this isn't an uncommon theme I feel the way you've told it gave it a new light. Overall very easy to relate to and enjoyable to read
Forgive the shortness of this comment, I am stepping in to help at last minute
Scores will be sent to your host at end of judging.
Good luck
-
Welcome to SOM!
Hello,
This story was very sad. I could feel it for i too have had youth get hit by cars on bikes. My fathers brother being one of them.
The slang kinda threw me a bit but its okay.
I would have loved to know how old the boy that lived was when he went to see the grave of Sammy, being the kids called him Mister. Just a thought i had.
The story was well done!
My scores will be in the finale judging.
Remember no editing once a judge has commented.
Thanks for entering and do come back!
~Lisa~
-
Hello & welcome to SOM~
I find it interesting when writers use dialect accents to enhance their pieces ~ sometimes it works, sometimes not...For me, in this piece, it added color, charm, however I will admit some of the words through me (but I got the gist).Your theme, while not overly uncommon, was covered delicately. I had a friend in my youth who had lost his life in a bicycle accident, so I understood this ~ I never made it to his grave site...
Other than some tweaking of your punctuation & structure, this is nicely done. Thank you for entering SOM, my scores will be posted in the final notes. Remember, no editing until judging is complete & trophies have been handed out.
~ Tim
-
Great story...
I won't critique since I am only a viewer this week..
But double check for grammar...
This is a great story...although not really uncommon theme wise...My story: Fifth grade...wanted to go to "town" with my girlfriend and her older brother who had just gotten his license...my folks said no..
long story short...the brother crashed the car...he was banged up...she was killed...
You have done a wonderful job! Best wishes in the contest!
Write on!
-
wow - great images and emotion!
I had this happen to me when I was young. My BF at that time, in 3rd grade, lived across the street. She got a new bike for her birthday and rode me to school on it. She brought me home, went around the corner and was hit and killed by a car. I was around 8, she was 10. You don't ever forget.....
I enjoyed this - interesting, and kept me reading.
(don't forget to put SOM and your theme in your author's notes; also, the only way I could get 'white' for the bg - go the the lower right hand corner and hit as far down and over as you can - that got me white).
best wishes in the contest.
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
