Sleeping serenely beneath my iron sea
Waiting for my savior to come and rescue me
Hiding far below the murky film of lies
Swallowed in the security of dreams and fireflies
Glimpsing at the world through my crystalline ocean view
Fleeing to my depths as I swim away from you
Deeper as I drown in my own ironic naivety
Smothered by the distortion I willed me to believe
Calming sinews of hope wrap around me warm and kind
Branding images of peace into my tired mind
Softly I drift into the world that I have paved
Did I really ever dream that I desired to be saved?
Author notes
I'm aware that the flow is off, but I still love it <3
A contest entry
- Share your poems with me by trekkergirl.
550 points, ended November 6, 2008, 174 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Choice... by my02U.
550 points, ended November 16, 2008, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Sense of Place by Nicada.
700 points, ended December 18, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Some very lovely imagery shared here in this poem. A very enjoyable read, and thank you so much for entering. Blessings, Patty
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you know, i always find that the hardest type of poetry to write is rhyming poetry, because if its a sad poem you probably don't want it to sound singsongy like ring around the rosies, and you don't want the rhymes to sound forced, like orange and doorhinge (which is just about the closest you can get to a rhyme for orange, but still). Anyway, the reason i just went off blabbing about rhyming and such is that you did a wicked good job rhyming this poem and still keeping the tone and meter constant. my favorite lines were:
Hiding far below the murky film of lies
Swallowed in the security of dreams and fireflies
Glimpsing at the world through my crystalline ocean view
Fleeing to my depths as I swim away from you
but the whole poem was very visual. this is an amazing write! congrats!
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sometimes having the flow off a little bit only adds to the poem as is in this case. Good write. Good job. Thanks for sharing this write withus and thanks for entering it into my contest.
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i like! i can see why you have so much affection for this piece- it is full of imagery, and seems like your personal take on the fairytale idea of the damsel in distress- you seem to be saying, "i may sometimes be in distress, but i'm not sure i want to be saved- at least, not by you."
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I think this is just phenomenal. You did a great job and the imagery is great. Best of luck to you in the contest.
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I just want to point out on line 6 a typo; "away way" - I understood the piece, just thought I'd point that out to you. I really like this piece. I like the flow, and the imagery, and especially the last 2 lines. Great job! Iron Sea... nice metaphor.
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omigod, the flow is amazing, what is wrong with you?! lmao, i loved it, i love the title, i love the words, i love the message, jeeeez, i love it!
gah XP
-tricia -
I enjoyed your poem very much, but not as much as I did that last line. I think it gives the whole content a very defining colour and perspective I did not really expect. Deep as the abyss...
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I find it flows alright
and it dusted me with a feather duster of truth
fine piece of art you have here you've peaked my intrest... great subject matter or topic whatever you want to call it
~teddybare~
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welcome to allpoetry
I love it too. I think you did really well. The flow is not off too much. I especially liked your fourth and fifth lines.
Thank you for sharing your words here with us all. I hope you will keep writing.
Enjoy the site.
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