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Rev. Bailey's Daughter

'twas a time long ago,
when my world was oh, so young,
that a girl with flaxen hair had turned my fancy.
A true beauty, so lovely,
she delightfully graced my every thought.

Miss Emily was her name,
a preacher's daughter with an angel's face ~
cliche, yes, but 'tis true!
So prim, so proper,
she walked with a ballerina's grace
and her voice was a sweet, sweet song...
With Bible in hand, God in her heart --
I sensed she ne'er did any wrong.

She was a challenge, truth be told,
to win her heart was my goal --
I did anything just to see her smile.
I attended Sunday meetings,
even sang in the choir!
E'ery li'l thing I did was done
with hopes to win this angel's favor.

My halo shined brightly over time,
even when Emily wasn't around.
What started as bait to attract
had turned into habit ~
I became an epitome of servanthood,
expecting no reward.

She did notice me, eventually,
but by that time
my desires had changed.
What started as a facade had become my life ~
to seek God's heart, not hers --
this had become my life's mission.

Oh, sure, I have my moments -
times when I stumble, scrape my knees -
but in these many years since my youth
I've found that 'tis better living unselfishly,
loving my neighbor as myself,
than wandering this earth blindly ~
serving myself, a slave to my desires.

 

Author notes

*POM*
Theme~ Doing the right things for personal reasons, only to have the correct reasons become one's true motivation when self is placed behind others.
~ Written from the perspective of an older gentleman talking to a youngster, perhaps a grandchild.

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Comments

1 - 14 of 14

  • Freed by Mercy silver member
    October 5, 2008
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    Congratulations on the well deserved bronze!


  • LadyDementia gold member
    October 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You have told a beautiful story here. I do like the twist created. To begin doing such things for such selfish reasons then have them mean something is indeed poetic in theme. Sometimes if we put our hearts and souls into something it can end up meaning more than we ever thought possible. You really have told this well...tho I do agree it is much more story like than poetry. Still a beautifully told one, that I enjoyed much more than I thought I would. I have nothing to add that my co judges haven't already.
    Scores will be sent to your host at end of judging.
    Good luck


  • trista gold member
    October 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi Tim. Welcome to another POM!

    Your storytelling talents are clearly evident in this poem, reminding me again of why you’ve done so well in the SO contests. While I believe there will always be just as much merit in this type of poem verses those with a more poetic, and less story, tone...we unfortunately have that “No Epic or Short Stories”
    rule in the PO’s...and to me, this is very “short story”.

    However...that only effects 1 or 2 of my scoring categories, so let’s look at some of the others.

    “A true beauty, so lovely,”
    I’d like to see more concrete details like the “flaxen hair” rather than this, which does little to paint any sort of picture in my mind.Your other descriptions are spot-on.

    “to win her heart was my goal --” Perhaps a semi-colon rather than the dash? You’ve used a wealth of dashes actually...some of which I agree with, but several I’d suggest changing. They have an abruptness to them that hinders the flow... Ever play “Red Light, Green Light” when you were a kid? That’s what the dashes remind me of...so the fewer you can get by using, the better. But as always...this is only MO. Other than that, I thought your flow was lovely. On purpose or not, I heard a lot of assonance throughout, giving a gorgeous musical quality.

    “What started as a facade had become my life ~
    to seek God's heart, not hers --
    this had become my life's mission.”
    Hum...this seems slightly redundant with the repetition of “had become my life”. One idea:
    “What started as a facade
    led me to seek God’s heart, not hers -
    thus forming my life’s mission.”

    Similarly I think the last line could be economized for impact as simply, “a slave to my desires.” It eliminates repeating "myself" in a stanza that (eek!) already contains "my" or "myself" 7 times...

    Although this isn’t a completely unique theme, I seldom see spiritual poetry describing how a person came to follow God. Told from a story perspective, it was enlightening, entertaining, and with a good message, but remains far from being “preachy”. Nicely done.

    My scores will be in contest final notes...and remember, no editing once a judge has commented, until trophies have been handed out.

    Good luck and best wishes,
    ~J.

  • Freed by Mercy silver member
    September 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This reads much like prose, a retelling of a story to perhaps teach a lesson. some language is quite lovely: "a girl with flaxen hair had turned my fancy".

    A number of "she's" and "I's" - perhaps a couple could be eliminated.

    This phrase struck me as awkward: "I became an epitome of servanthood," It's difficult to say out loud.

    How about "I embodied servanthood,"

    Or "Servanthood was my song, and my reward."

    This is a gentle story of a soul embracing God through circumstance, and is truly lovely.

    My scores will follow at the close of the contest.

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    September 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi there and welcome to the POM I did enjoy this piece I like the way that you have written this I was like when I clicked on the title I was so certain it was going to be something that I would not enjoy but I was proved wrong. My score will appear at the end of the contest be well.


  • cutiepie gold member
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Most enjoyable. What started as a mild flirtation became a full commitment. Good luck in the contest


  • Soft-Rain gold member
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This was remarkable,the theme was interesting.
    Life changing moments when we know not why or how God works. I loved the way you took it from an elderly mans veiw relaying his story to a youth.
    Life's winds can blow us in different directions at any given time.
    In this case for the better.

    love,
    ~Lisa~


    • Xianaria gold member
      September 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you Sweetie~

      I enjoyed this write. I wanted to do something with a spiritual message, but in a way that was enjoyable...The thought of a granfather telling a tale from his youth seemed to be a nice way of doing just that! Kinda like the video version of "Waitin' On A Woman"

      I love you~
      Tim


  • Wandering Woodchuck silver member
    September 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Nice job Tim. I like the description of finding spirituality. It is a pleasure to read your poetry.

    Mike

    • Xianaria gold member
      September 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks Mike~
      I enjoy the topic, personal & spiritual growth. With this, I kinda pictured an older man, like Andy Griffith, telling this story to someone younger ~ perhaps a grandchild.
      ~ Tim


  • Dalaney gold member
    September 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    a never ending lesson...life.
    i'm quite taken aback by this -
    after reading some of your poetry
    and getting a feel of it, this poem
    comes along and simply blows me
    in another direction...kinda like life
    love, lane


    • Xianaria gold member
      September 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you, Lane~
      I enjoy the challenge of writing different things.
      Yes, kinda like life
      ~ Tim


  • CatQueen248
    September 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    God's love should be put over all. Great write. I loved the story.

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