Clouds cover up midnight skies;
a poet dreams,
criminals lie;
a mother holds a child
up against her side.
Car accidents occur,
thevies continue to steal,
activists just want to be heard,
Life has only become
somewhat of a blur.
I knew before I was told
you were talking to some friends
and I know it wasn't because you were old
it was spreading
no longer controled
You always looked sore and tired
thinking you couldn't go on.
Death was spreading like wild fires
and in just a few months you were gone.
I still believe that those doctors were all liars
Life goes on without you,
doesnt think twice,
doesnt have a clue.
So i'll lay flowers at your grave,
because this is one mess that I can't undo
Pop-Pop,
We Love You.
Author notes
The affects of my grandfathers death and how time doesnt even stop to think about what is going on.
POM contest
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1500 points, ended October 5, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
did my muse come back?
Comments
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i really like rhyme scheme you have going on here. ive never been good at it myself so i give kudos to anyone who can.
this is a sad piece but very heartfelt. i enjoyed reading it -
thevies = thieves. controled = controlled. doesnt = doesn't, i'll = I'll. Be sure to watch for spelling and punctuation, can be distracting
A very sad poem, so true the world doesn't stop turning and it can make things a lot harder. I quite like the rhyme scheme, it is different. I think with some tweaking this could be quite the write. Overall it is deeply sad and quite powerful im places.
Scores will be sent to your host at end of judging.
Good luck
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This is a poignant poem which, with correction of punctuation and spelling along with some careful trimming and more imagery/description could be a powerfully poignant piece.
I see you have a rhyme scheme here. I'm not sure it works in your favor, since there is no perceived meter. Also, after a very poignant line, you go off subject with your rhyming line:
"I still believe that those doctors were all liars"
This line could be a theme for another poem, if you feel this way.
"Life has only become
somewhat of a blur."
Two lines stretched from what should be one:
"Life is a blur."
I'll try to show you what I mean on these 2 stanzas:
"You looked sore and tired, (show pain and fatigue)
thought you couldn't go on.
Death spread like wild fire,
in a few months you were gone.
Life goes on without you,
doesn't think twice
or have a clue.
I'll lay flowers at your grave
because this I can't undo".
I hope this helps.
I'll post my scores at the end of the contest.
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Hi there and welcome to the POM this is a nice piece here but it is not that uncommon to me as I have seen many writes on it and wrote many myself but noon the less I think it is ok could use some polishing up you used the word I way to much though and doesn't needs to be dosen't not just doesnt. My score will appear at the end of the contest be well
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