her throat
is a pipe organ.
the strands,
they climb out through her mouth
into green harmony
(rainfall saturates the vines
& they bloom sound)
she sings
a hymn for the ocean
a heartbroken whale;
beautiful soul
you will turn to limestone
& coral will grow.
i led her through the river
on a personal wave
eyes closed & waiting for hands
she dreamed into me
a girl with lips that could
capsize atlantis
i placed my teardrops
on her shoulder
gravity, gravity, rain down on me
i cried later; misery sailed
across the Pacific on her warm skin
a body leaning into me
makes me feel like a stone.
Author notes
<333
In a list
A contest entry
- beyond a wave by Melissa Gayle.
2000 points, ended September 30, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
green like nickel
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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You totally had me from start to finish. Incredible. I am loving your writes.
Love
Ylova
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ah another one i missed and im so glad i found it! the title reminds me of the song by fiona apple! i love her hehe
anyways as for the poem, its a sweet sadness and i totally love the fact that its all based on oceanic things, you did so beautifully well in expressing it as a main metaphore. <3
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haha yeah thats the song! Its my favorite by Fiona<3.
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The ending is incredible. I love the feeling of being a stone, I love when people can just rely on me, the feeling that I am being their foundation and actually helping them out... maybe because I can never do the same for myself?
Great phrasing, imagery and blah blah; your usual strenghths!!!!
My only suggestion would be to work with that heartbroken whale, you didn't expand, or utilize that metaphor and image enough - so their for the poor fellow wasn't as strong as it could've been.
I keep forgetting to breath in your pieces of the loved, the lost, and the livers.
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"a girl with lips that could
capsize atlantis
i placed my teardrops
on her shoulder
gravity, gravity, rain down on me"
you are one gorgeous writer my dear.
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always, the most amazing imagery.
"eyes closed & waiting for hands
she dreamed into me"
i'm stunned. this is by far the most beautiful thing i have read in weeks. i could drown myself in the way your brain strings words together. the beginning was capturing. the end was calm, sad. made me think of the song by fiona apple a little.
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hahaha i stole my title from her song "Oh Sailor". Thats my faaave Fiona Apple song I <3 her.
Thank you much for the comment like..<33333.
♥
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You had me totally in the beginning and lost me there in the middle only to recapture me again at the end.
Nicely done, I would consider revising a bit of the middle portion. -
really like those last two lines, and the whole thing in general. this is one of my favorites too
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thanks so much ^-^
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wowwww.
you've got the ocean in your palm.
could only be done by such a lady-goddess.
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=DDD thank youuuu♥
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from start to finish, this is a pearl. seriously though, those opening lines are perfect. and the ending. this could be your best poem, it's definitely one of my favorites.
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This is...wonderful, and I love the b/g color.
"her throat/is a pipe organ." Such strong opening lines full of visuals. I freaking love the analogy.
"into a green harmony"
I kind of want to murder the unnecessary [to me, it feels] 'a' there. I think "into green harmony" is snappier.
'hymmn'==>'hymn'
"you will turn to limestone
& coral will grow."
I love ampersands when I write stuff out, but I am always iffy about it in poems...
but here, I didn't mind. The limestone thing was seriously fabulous...I barely use the word 'fabulous', but this truly was. "coral will grow." kind of makes me think of moldy bread. Don't ask.
"makes me feel like a stone."
A literally and truly hard ending...although I'm kind of wondering whether this might be better as "makes me feel stone", as opposed to the simile.
This was so good, and it's about AEONS since I've added you as a favorite...
Jessica
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thank youuuu! =D
oopsies about the hymn! Your comment is so helpful! =D thanks for reeaaading♥. -
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De nada, this rocks
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