Tonight I misjudged the distance,
took one step too far,
and fell off the moon.
I held up my hands to grasp blindly
at the air rushing around my head
but I got caught in the Milky Way,
and now I’m only being held up by my ankles.
I never knew that the planets waltzed with such splendor,
too shy to let loose except when no one’s around.
As I dangle precariously
above dreams with gashes and strangled wishes,
I try to decode these hieroglyphics you carved deep into my skull.
How maybe, if I stopped unbolting myself,
I’d spare my ribs these extra stitches and puncture wounds.
Your words are like the deadened keys on an abandoned piano:
sticking together, worn-out, gaunt.
Nothing’s a surprise anymore; it doesn’t bother me.
These irises are dripping colors and feelings
because they’ve been straining to find a door to reality
ever since they first looked at you.
And I remember at home, on the walls of my room,
there are so many empty nails,
but not enough memories to cover them.
Walk me through what it means to get lost in an imaginary world,
while the roof of common sense collapses over my head.
The heat of a comet scalds my body,
crawling into places I didn’t know
were capable of feeling any pain;
I close my eyes, my mind, shut down my heart,
because I am so tired of fighting.
I’ll wait until my ankles slip one last inch,
and I am plunged back into this life.
A contest entry
- Teddy Bears and Sweet Tea - Like Americana At Noon by lowercase prelude.
3050 points, ended October 5, 2008, 16 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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this is amazing. its beautiful. i love it.
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Ohkay, WOW, so don't mind me, but I am probably going to copy every bit of this poem & tell you what I loved about each line, or each stanza, whichever whatever. I was in absolute awe by this, dear. Your writing is so amazinggg.
-Tonight I misjudged the distance,
took one step too far,
and fell off the moon.
//
ohkay, gotta stop there for a minute. I love the whole image portrayed there; falling off the moon by taking a step too far. Beautiful metaphor, structured very well & creatively. :)
I held up my hands to grasp blindly
at the air rushing around head
but I got caught in the Milky Way,
//
Love the Milky Way comparison you built within this stanza. It's so metaphoric & I love it ! & the whole "I held up my hands to grasp blindly at the air rushing around my head" incredible. Wow. Yeahh, I italicized that because I believe you left out a word there :) Otherwise, were industrious. I-like-it-ahlot =]
and now I’m only being held up by my ankles.
I never knew that the planets waltzed with such splendor,
too shy to let loose except when no one’s around.
...
Oooh, held up by ankles ! Intense & powerful. I love it :]
Also, the whole planets thing, love the connection with that & the Milky Way. It makes the reader sink deeper & deeper into this piece, with absolute concentration & beautiful images forming in their mind. In simpler words, imagery=superb :D haha, don't you love when I use big words ? lol
-As I dangle precariously
above dreams with gashes and strangled wishes,
I try to decode these hieroglyphics you carved deep into my skull.
//
Another thumbs up for youuu, my dear ! Amazing vocabulary & adjectives that added so much more to this piece. I love the whole "dangling above dreams with gashes and strangled wishes"; that is some deep shit. I know how that feels ! Hah ! & hieroglyphics!? *oogle* WHOA, that is behind just wows. I can't even begin to explain the beauty that is behind those lines. wow :]
How maybe, if I stopped unbolting myself,
I’d spare my ribs these extra stitches and puncture wounds.
Your words are like the deadened keys on an abandoned piano:
sticking together, worn-out, gaunt.
Nothing’s a surprise anymore; it doesn’t bother me.
...
Dayyuhm! You are becoming more & more talented, hoe ! I'm in absolute awe. You've always written better than me, though, so I'm not too surprised ;) Sparing the ribs; loved it. The piano really struck a chord. Hah, I am so good at commenting now. lol, nah, but really, "abandoned piano" was a great touch to this stanza. It really summed things up.
-These irises are dripping colors and feelings
because they’ve been straining to find a door to reality
ever since they first looked at you.
//
Ooooh, intriguing ! The whole irises things instead of eyes, I love the choice of words ! Very unique, and not so boring & original. I think we'd all love to find a door to reality. Goddamnnn.
And I remember at home, on the walls of my room,
there are so many empty nails,
but not enough memories to cover them.
Walk me through what it means to get lost in an imaginary world,
while the roof of common sense collapses over my head.
...
Hahahah! "while the roof of common sense collapses over my head." Ohkay, so WOW, you said it all right therrre in that one line! That is exactly how I fawking feel! You hit the nail on the head with that one. Loved ittt :D
-The heat of a comet scalds my body,
crawling into places I didn’t know
were capable of feeling any pain;
//
HOLY FAWKING SHITTT. I loveloveLOVEEE "The heat of a comet scalds my body"; I got goosebumps while reading that. :o I am in absolute awe.
I close my eyes, my mind, shut down my heart,
because I am so tired of fighting.
I’ll wait until my ankles slip one last inch,
and I am plunged back into this life.
...
A flawless ending for this piece. It really closes up your poem with a powerful closure & kind of a lingering emotion behind it. Wow, dear.
hahaha
Sorry this was so longgg. I honestly loved this with all my heart :] Definitely top 3. It was just so mind blowing with metaphors & raw imagery that was just captivating from the very first line. Keep it uppp. You definitely have to win something in this contest, honestly. This was brilliantttay ! ♥
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I love your choice of words and they were placed perfectly throughout the poem. Great write and I loved this piece of work by you! Cant wait to see more from you. Hey if i could make a suggestion... Try writing a poem that rhymes the words together. I would really like to see what you can come up with. I think it would turn out to be an amazing river of flowing poetry.
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I really like that pic
Your word usage is astounding and you formed superb imagery and strong emotional content -
First comment! I don't know if that counts for anything, but w/e. Wonderful similes. I feel dumb cuz I didn't really get it. lol. I think it's about getting lost in a dream and never wanting to wake up because reality is cold. Am I right or did I totally miss the mark?
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lol no, you are right on the mark
everyone who reads it will see a different side of it, too, and im so glad you give me feedback! i've missed talking to you about poetry haha <3
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