You've been sticking to me
for as long as I've known you
and the brilliant red
hue of your smile.
Deserted car-parks, streets in
shadows the only
places where I knew you
where I saw you
in flashes of white
that fought back the shadows
and guns, whose report
told us to turn but smile
and fly through triangles of
crushed diamonds
that litter deserted car-parks.
Carousels of frozen figures
sad because they no longer move
the screams of broken toys
tossed against little boy's
blue and yellow bedroom wall
and marionettes with moving smiles
danced the skeletal march
with greatest joy and ardor.
The heat of passion
always freezes in winter
and we were left alone
not even the music of consumption
to echo across convex streets
the thing about cold-
it freezes and breaks
all falls apart,
even glue.
You'd been sticking to me
for as long as I'd known you
but still the tears wouldn't
slow or think...
short too short hair too
short for my fingers
and a smile that flashed
choked with asphalt
not there just now,
but in Spring I saw the specters
of futures remiss in pain
screams of crushed diamonds
in deserted car-parks,
the day you drove away.
Author notes
POM
This one is about a romance between two cars that ends in a Winter car crash. I apologize if that theme does not come through so very clearly, but I worked on this one quite a bit and got to the point where I was happy with the overall and wanted to keep it. If anything about it violates guidelines/rules, please let me know!
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1500 points, ended October 5, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I was quite surprised when I saw your theme in AN. Although I did pick up cars in this, I didn't get anywhere close to your theme. Its quite an abstract write really, for example the part about throwing toys at the bedroom wall....I don't get what that could mean in relation to your theme. For the PO the theme needs to be a little clearer, hiding in abstract is excellent, but not always good here. I can see you have put a lot of work into this and it really does read beautifully. The imagery is great, I just can't connect all the dots if you get me..lol. A little more punctuation would aid flow, although the flow isn't bad. Over all an intense piece full of emotions, with quite a sad end.
Scores will be sent to your host at end of judging.
Good luck
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I vaguely sense the two cars and am guessing at what the "crushed diamond triangles" may be, but I'm not sure.
"where I saw you
in flashes of white
that fought back the shadows"
It would help to work in details about the cars, personifying them as you do the cars - I thought "light bounced off your steel grill, gleaming straight as perfect teeth" something along that idea.
I also do not sense that there was a car crash. I understand your winter pothole description to a point.
I didn't get the point of the following at all, unless you are talking about a deserted parking lot next to a deserted amusement park. even then the "screams of broken toys" part isn't connecting for me.
It would be nice if you could make sense of it in this poem, or save it for another. It's interesting.
"Carousels of frozen figures
sad because they no longer move
the screams of broken toys
tossed against little boy's
blue and yellow bedroom wall
and marionettes with moving smiles
danced the skeletal march
with greatest joy and ardor"
I do sense sadness and longing at the end of the poem. I think we need more detail of the accident, personifying it, of course.
"the day he towed you away."
Watch for proper punctuation and run on sentences.
I'll post my scores at the end of the contest.
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Hi there and welcome to POM I have seen this written about before so it is not that uncommon to me, and I do not like the sentences keep going. I think with line breaks and punctuation it would be better my score will appear at the end of the contest be well.
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Huh...very interesting Maria! I likes it a lot. The title really caught my eye. -_^ How have you been baby? I truly am sorry for not keeping in better touch. I hope you are alright and that sometime I'll get to see you. Keep up your gorgeous writing in the meantime huh?
I love you and will talk to you soon.
~Hannah
P.S. Since when do you have blond hair? *laugh*
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yeah, I was going a little too fast on that *shhhh* ahahah
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Who cares what it's about... it just sounded so darn good. I enjoyed the images you left here... very refreshing to read. I think it was a wonderful write.
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