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Untitled

open your eyes
you see nothing its
all painted black
just like your eyes

its scary isn't it
feeling dead inside
and loveless.

you can't runaway for it
it haunts you
the sweet smell
the sweet smell
of BLOOD.

i hate who i've become
you say.
i laugh at the monster
that lacks love
in your soul.

you should have never walked
home alone
i attacked you
and you never saw it coming
you didn't  feel much pain.

i wasn't always like this
i used to be loving and caring until
i wandered alone.

join me and the darkness
calls us..

your smile is replaced with the taste blood.

 

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 20 of 20

  • SingMeToSleep
    March 2

    Edit | Reply
    This write had amazing imagery. It was very powerful. However, there were a few grammar and spelling errors.

    Thank you for entering and good luck.


  • Frodofan silver member
    March 1
    Edit | Reply
    Sorry, this contest was for rhyme only.

  • Liveloveperforming
    February 13

    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for posting this.
    It’s nice to read some real dark writes once in a while. The style of language you have chosen oozes evil. Nicely done.


  • Kathraina silver member
    February 6

    Edit | Reply
    Great piece, I can feel the emotion leaking from every word. Bravo! Thanks for entering and good luck!

    ♥ Kathraina


  • SimplyNoodle
    December 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    thanks for the entry verry niclet written!


  • The Hardest Goodbye
    December 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Very good imagry in this piece .. I enjoyed it, alot, thanks for entering (:


  • LadyDementia gold member
    December 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    First line in the third verse, should it read 'from it' as it doesn't sound quite right 'for it'. Interesting piece, portraying some dark imagery. Thank you for entering and good luck


  • Crista64
    December 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    good job I love the twilight series


  • Ktulu Blackwolfe silver member
    December 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Good job, nice imagery here. The title seems a bit cliche' though, only because too many people have a title called "untitled", thanks for entering and good luck.

    **Ktulu Blackwolfe**


  • ShiningNShadows
    December 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Nice job. Thanks for entering and good luck!


  • albinoblacksheep720
    December 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Wow

    Nice job. I like the aura you put in here. It screams the true vampire in us all.
    Join me and the darkness
    calls us..
    I love this line. Great job


  • DecorusApparatus
    December 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a wonderful poem, and I think I recognise alot of Twilight/vampire references here which is something that I like. I love the way that it flows and it keeps a steady rhythm throughout without having to rhyme. From the moment it began I just had to keep reading!!

    "its
    all painted black
    just like your eyes"

    That's a sweet line, kept it all together I think. Thanks for entering into my contest, your entry is greatly appreciated!!


  • XxUnlovedAngelxX
    November 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    awsome

    i think this is a awsome poem keep it up


  • Synthetic-Nightmare
    November 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Nice!

    I love where you went with this piece and though the "walking alone in the dark" refers to a supernatural attacker in this piece, it is often the case with serial killer's......those who prey on others who venture into the darkness and are reluctant to watch over there shoulder in alert tense. For a short piece, it held an eery vibe and a well constructed one. thanks so much for your entry, and best of luck.

    One more thing i'd like to say. Could you fix your author's note for me so i can count this piece? Thanks hun, message me when you have done so!


  • For You. I Cry.
    September 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    LOVE THIS!!
    that was dark


  • xxvampyregirlxx
    September 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    OMG I LOVE IT!!!!


  • Mrs. Moretti
    September 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This is one of my favorites of yours, Sis.


  • MCR Moon
    September 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Vampires

    I loved this. It was so good.


  • Damien 666
    September 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    nice write this reminds me of some of so many people that have used me as a stepping stool for their confidence, and put themselves in their place. being genuine and gold hearted is quite a weight to bare. cheers for the thoughts. we'll find people one day who wont take easy chances for granted. peaceee


  • Xxnightmare21xx
    September 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i think your a great writer. keep it up. i to love vampire books so i can relate to this poem.

1 - 20 of 20