Emptiness echoes, a deadened whisper
within hollow concaves of night.
Mournful sighs escape swollen lips,
lead feathers pregnant with grief.
I held you tight; you cried upon my shoulder,
confiding in me your most intimate pain;
pouring anguish down my throat,
as scarlet screamed through my ears.
Your secrets floated, like lazy ghosts,
through nightmare skies, now stagnant and scarred.
Only then could I breathe alone,
before you smothered me in your trivial despair.
Your presence imprinted itself
upon my spirit, the alchemic kisses
that coloured my lonely world in radiance
as light infiltrates my solitude.
Yet sorrow still creeps through icy veins,
stinging wind-burned eye-sockets
like a thousand razors; sunlight incinerates
my skin, as I wake without you another morning.
Author notes
*POM contest*
My theme: What silence might feel, when no one else is around.
In a list
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1500 points, ended October 5, 2008, 14 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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vivid and strong. Very imaginitive too. The subject matter I mean...what silence might feel when we aren't around. good job and thanks for entering
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Wow...the imagery! Astounding! Gratz on the gold! You deserved it.
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Nothing like relentless imagery, one upion the other! Amazing. I can feel this about the silence I experience at times. Profound! I immediatly have a strong connection with this piece. Geo
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Congratulations on your well deserved Gold! This was a favorite among the judges (well, duh, obviously!)
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woooot! congrats!
this is beautifully written hun, awesome work, loved this line
the alchemic kisses
that coloured my lonely world in radiance
pure awesomeness and well deserved POM! woot!
Tasha
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Congratulations! I knew you'd beat me, hehe, you deserve it!
Alex. -
This was a pure delight to read! The them is fantastic, one that can leave you thinking for a long time. Funny how sometimes it is craved and others loathed really. You have portrayed it beautifully, I can't find anything to critique at all...has to be a first for me in the PO's! I'm not clear why that title tho. Over all quite a stunning piece.
Scores will be sent to your host at end of judging.
Good luck
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Hi there, and thanks for joining us in the POM.
One of the things I most love about this poem is the widely varied interpretations it could bring. I think each reader would see it slightly differently without the AN...yet all can take wonderful meaning from it. Although we often have a strong desire for readers to “get” the poem exactly as we meant it, I rather hope you remove the theme from the AN after the contest, so each reader can form their own meaning without influence. Theme in this case, is almost a moot point even in my scoring; this is a poem I could ponder for long lengths of time.
Your imagery is wonderful, grammar and punctuation spot-on, nice use of poetic devices, and good balance of show and tell, lovely poetic tone...the only thing I wasn’t fond of is the title...it works...but I feel you could do much better. Outside of that, I have no suggestions for improvement...and gosh...it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to say that about a poem.
Thank you for your entry. My scores will be in the contest final notes...and remember, no editing once a judge has commented, until trophies have been handed out.
Good luck and best wishes,
~J. -
Hi there and welcome to the POM. First Off I have not seen this written about before only from me lol so it is unique to me from others. I enjoyed the piece and think that you did a nice job here. My score will appear at the end of the contest in closing notes be well
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Beautifully woven language with superb sound and flow. The sound of this matches the theme, the s sounds, k sounds, the alliteration and assonance move each line along. Wonderful imagery effuses this piece. "lead feathers"- potent.
I almost don't care about the theme... It really feels like loneliness, longing to me.
Your grammar and punctuation are spot on, except the tenses, which I don't know whether it's a deliberate decision or not. First and last stanzas are in present tense, middle 3 stanzas are past tense. I'm not sure why.
The middle three stanzas employ a second "voice" Is this voice the "voice of silence"? Or something else?
Either way, there is misery. The "silence" misses the miserable "voice". Something is not quite connecting for me.
The title doesn't seem to connect to the poem.
You may want to take another look at this poem at contest end. It has a lot going for it.
I will post my scores at the end of the contest.
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Thanks for the review! In case you were curious, the tense-changes are deliberate The thought is in the present and followed by a flashback before drifting back to the present again.
The second 'voice' in the middle three stanzas is the human presence that is so "missed". Ever sat alone and cried/yelled/done anything in an empty room, thinking that there's no one there with you? I figured that giving silence a voice as the bystander, it shows that we aren't ever alone, even when we think we are. I thought it was obvious, but maybe that's just because I know what my own theme is
Hope that clears things up a bit! Thanks again for your time!
Laura, aka Immortal
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You probably have a far different meaning than how I read it, but, I see it as empathy...our ability to feel the pain of others and how if we allow ourselves to be dragged in by their pain, it can become our pain, for when a loved one hurts, we hurt.
That is how I liked seeing your poem anyway.
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Superb poem, easily the best i've read so far, fantastic word useage, really beautiful,
very well done and good luck in the contest,
Floorboards.
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breathless imagery!
I just loved how you pulled us in from first line to
last...well done...and smartly written!
good luck in this POM..they're truly tough!
but....great way to improve our writing technicalities!
ears/Seattle
way to release mighty ink and heart!
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Silence can either be beautiful or dreadfully lonely. I felt a deep sorrow in your words. Beautifully composed, good luck in the contest
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