This building like this old man
a rich history, do they share
before time took its toll
when both were young and fair.
In between, bricks stacked high
mortar gives back its sand.
Just as arthritic joints
renders useless this old man.
Both so long forgotten
they’ve given up the fight
abandoned to back alleys
a tapestry of urban blight.
Liver spots adorn his skin
like graffiti on brick walls
shattered windows of disrespect
will cut him, when he falls.
Old man counting heart beats
as this factory near its end
each share the same fate
this property condemned.
Author notes
Theme:
A homeless man at the end of his life waiting to die in the dead factory he spent most of his life in.
POM Contest
In a list
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1500 points, ended October 5, 2008, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Congrats on the HM!
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This is really quite a sad piece. The imagery and air surrounding this pulled me in and held me until the end. It is one of the rare write where I will say I wish you'd penned more! I got the comparison to an ageing man and an abandoned building, but not the homeless part, or the fact he'd spent most of his life there until I saw your AN. As trista said a few more clues would have been perfect. Over all it is quite a beautiful piece, the flow is smooth through out and the rhyme good. I really enjoyed this one. And I also like the title, fits your theme perfectly.
Scores will be sent to your host at end of judging.
Good luck
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Hi and welcome to the POM. It’s good to see you back with us!
I really enjoyed the comparisons you’ve so vividly painted in your poem. I missed some of the story in that I didn’t pick up on how the man had spent his life IN the building, nor did I realize the man was homeless. Now...that could just be me not paying close enough attention
as when I read again after seeing the AN, I could see more of the “clues”. A few more key details might have made this clearer though, and to me, it’s rare to see a poem that toooo much imagery. 
As Joyce noted, you have some absolutely lovely turns of phrases that made me want to shout, “More! More!” 
I did find the forced rhyming a distraction, and I agree with Joyce the punctuation could use some tweaking. If you’re unsure of where to place commas and periods, you can try writing out each sentence without line breaks and punctuation just as if it were prose, then putting in the line breaks afterward.
My co-judge has covered this quite well already, so that’s all I have to offer for now. My scores will be in the final notes...Oh - fantastic title, btw, one of the best I’ve seen in quite a while.
Good luck and best wishes,
~J. -
Wow. this is great beyond compare. I like it very much
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Hi and welcome to the POM this is not a very uncommon theme but it is a nice write I think that you did well with it.My score will appear with my closing notes at the end of the contest be well
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Good work, nice metaphor I thought, and good ending.
Well done and good luck in the contest,
Floorboards.
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Your theme is a poignant one. Some phrasing is visual and very effective, such as "Liver spots adorn his skin
like graffiti on brick walls." (-complete sentence) well phrased and rhythmically pleasing also.
The rhythm varies quite a bit in this piece, which interrupts the flow. Some of the rhyme is forced: you "turn" two phrases around in order to rhyme: "a rich history, do they share" and "render(s) useless this old man." You'll find that a number of old church songs do this. Turning phrases is considered "archaic" I believe.
Some of the words you use don't sound quite appropriate to me because they don't seem to fit rhythmically, or their color is rather plain. I can make some suggestions:
"Between the bricks stacked high,"
"Battered by urban blight."
"Shattered windows of contempt
lacerate him when he falls."
"Old man counts his heart beats,
factory nears its end.
Last chapter of the story:
property condemned."
I feel more shown details about the old man and the way he lives in this abandoned building would improve this poem a great deal; would make it much more powerful and poignant.
Take another look at your punctuation.
Scores will follow at the end of the contest.
No changes once a judge has commented until after the contest.
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Good job
Reminds me of a couplet that I wrote
"Got membership card from AARP;
with expiration date. What does that mean?!"
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The tapestry of life is often hard to define. You have captured a moment in time, rather like a moth and a flame...Good luck in the contest
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