'Ol Red

Lift your glass
get off your ass
as the bard sings his tale
of how that big bad wolf, really fell

The stories are wrong, watered down
Too gruesome to be told as it should
But do not fret, do not frown
Let me tell you of 'ol red- the baddest bitch in the wood.

Red was no girl, and wore no hood
She was not skipping merrily along
To see grandma- you see Red was up to no good.
Taking revenge on the man who done her wrong.

Her waist-length hair was red, her evil eyes were green
Always called just "Red," her real name no one ever knew
All they knew for sure was that she was really mean
And the fairy-tales they tell the kiddies just isn't true.

See, Red was from somewhere called "Tennessee"
And she talked in a slow and funny way
Poor old John should have let that country girl be
Is what the townsfolk now all say

John, as you may have guessed
Is our wolf, big and bad
Red, he sorely stretched and stressed
And didn't know exactly what kind of woman he had.

On the day our story starts, Red was on a mission
Tromping through the wood, but not to dear old gran's
See, John was supposed to have been off fishin'
Red knew it was a lie, for there was no pole in his hands

So through the woods, 'Ol Red strolls on
To Alice's house, she was on her way
Fuming and griping as she went along
Working out exactly what to say

Red finally came to Alice's and the sight was dire
Red heard screams (not the ones of pain) and laughter
Peeking through the window, saw them thrashing about raised her ire
And we all know what came after.

The tales are complete fabrication
What really happened was pretty plain
In Red's anger and frustration
She knew she had to eliminate her pain

The scene was a sick sight to behold
The blood and guts that spilled all over the walls
Was like a twisted, gory, toxic mold
That sprayed even down the halls

I shot the bitch first, Red later said, quite proud
Then I shot that cheatin John, with no hint of sorrow in her eye
They should never have double crossed me, she thought aloud
Death, the judge said, and Red never even started to cry

She took her death with no pleas, she just went on down
To the middle of town and stood on the gallow with her head high
She will forever be remembered- morning noon and nigh'
As the baddest bitch in town.

Moral of the story, should really have been this
Don't mess with a woman who proudly calls herself a bitch
Don't get caught lying, and certainly don't cheat
But if you must, don't do it to a woman packin' heat!