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Golden Foil

Missing image

The beginning of the end
fell at my feet like bronze foil
cut into frivolous shapes.


They began to waltz,
stirred by fresh fingers
across the pavement,
and clung to the toes of
my boots.


As I searched for the wisdom
that scattered them,
I realised how much
they reminded me of you.


Too easily influenced
by wind whispers and
trivial energies,


yet, too charming to be shaken off.

Author notes

Image from deviantart.com, owner unknown.

It's about more than just an autumn walk. Read carefully.

In a list

A contest entry

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    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 7 of 7
  • Poetryintheblood gold member
    May 6

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    Beautifully composed and holding much depth that I can for one relate to, good luck in my contest and thank you for entering, Josie


  • Riya19
    October 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    So much more, and yet just right

    I can see that extra meaning. And it's perfectly placed. It's almost obvious, but at the same time it's not. Very enjoyable.

    I wouldn't change a thing.


  • Danna Hobart
    September 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You have some lovely imagery in this, but

    Too easily influenced by
    trivial energies,

    This stanza is weak. It could use some imagery. What sorts of trivial energies? Show them to the reader.


    • silverscent gold member
      September 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Trivial energies is in the leaf's case the wind, and in the case of "you" it refers to energies of society etc. How can I write that without being too obvious?

      • Danna Hobart
        September 30, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Good question. You could compare them to the wind, for example:

        Like leaves,
        you change directions with the breeze

        or something to create an image. Because you have good images in your other stanzas, and your last stanza ties it up neatly. That one stanza is the poem's only weakness, in my opinion.

        • silverscent gold member
          September 30, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          Hmm not sure it fits in with the whole idea of the rest of the poem (a bit cliche). But I get where you're coming from, I'll look at that.


  • Dalaney gold member
    September 26, 2008

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    Whoa! i ABSOLUTELY adore your ending! Comparing fall leaves to bronze foil - so imaginative! You intermingled a relationship with a walk in fall foliage and the result is superb. Love, Lane

1 - 7 of 7