So there I was trapped
on a greyhound bus,
with a ditsy blond waitress,
a delusional monkey named Sam,
and a raging lunatic -
who started every sentence with, "Merry Christmas, you bastard!"
That would have been okay,
but then he'd thwack you with a candy cane
he kept in his crotch.
He claimed a warm candy cane
was better for thwacking off the demons.
So I was trapped on this bus
with the ditz, the ape, and my grandpa,
when suddenly there was a jolt...
More of a bump really...
Perhaps a hiccup would be a better description.
Anyways, the back tire was flat.
Seems the road had been littered
with a thousand rusty nails,
and Johnny Depp's secret gay lover -
who was now stuck headfirst in the tire.
The bus driver - a sullen guy named Margaret -
told everyone to stay in their seats.
So after we all finally got outside,
Sam started dry humping the poor schmuck
while the waitress asked if she could take his order.
We think he mumbled something about
telling the monkey to stop rubbing up on his ass,
but the Ditz just turned to me and said,
"He'll have a number 12 with a deep fried doorstop."
So I heated up the barbecue.
To make a long story short, the driver fixed the tire
And we put the half-dead, sexually assaulted tire deflater
on the side of the road next to a half-eaten KFC biscuit.
I left his #12 next to his head,
but he didn't even say, "Thanks."
And that is why I was late getting here
in time for the opening prayer.
But I'm sure Brother Mack filled in nicely for me,
for God works in mysterious ways.
Let me hear you say, "Amen!"
"You're at a drive-thru window, asshole! Pull around already!"
Author notes
Hakuna Matata, bitcholas!
A contest entry
- So, There I was, Trapped On A Greyhound Bus, With A Ditsy Blonde Waitress, A Delusional Monkey, Named Sam And A Raging Lunatic, Who Starts Every Sentence With, "Merry Christmas, You Bastard" by voodoo ink.
1625 points, ended October 10, 2008, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Stuff and Nonsense... spoofs and silly poems... PREWRITES by PinkPony.
700 points, ended March 28, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Oh.
-
"The bus driver - a sullen guy named Margaret -
told everyone to stay in their seats.
So after we all finally got outside,
Sam started dry humping the poor schmuck
while the waitress asked if she could take his order."
Genius XD
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this is not nice oh my but it is funny oh shhhhhhhh i am laughing I can not help it you are bad.
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oh my god that is the funniest thing I've read in ages! I couldn't stop laughing the whole way through. Good job
I hope you win
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I love the way you kept twisting the story and putting it in different scenes, and didn't even see the end coming...holy shit! I am laughing my ass off
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