When all the world's in a slumber,
Children, fast asleep, will say
Spoken words of mother's will,
Whose wishes are more selfish than Hell itself.
Her burning Hell will bear no children,
And she will be alone,
To forever suffer depression,
In the hidden cave under the ocean.
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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I like it but I'd like to see more.
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love it darling. XPP
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amazing! had to read it again to fully understand. very deep too!!!!!! AMAZING write!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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whoa! boldly un-ravelling the angst and wounds of
soul?
may you not breathe them in too deeply lest
they tarnish your obvious poetic beauty!
Anger is an important step to healing....
and well done...you have unleashed mightily!
next wrung?
to learn mercy and compassion...
for who taught these wounds of nasty infection
to your MUM?
the links rattle on the chains for you to break
apart each one....never to allow your spirits beauty
to be so boldly confined!
ears/Seattle
good impact in this poem!
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Oh, ouch! A dark and most disturbing piece of verse here, for sure! Nicely and most niftily penned, but, sooo dark, indeed! bravo...
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Good poem.
Good I'd say and short and to the point. -
I thought the imagry in this was very good, but didn't feel like it was very cohesive. It was actually a little confusing. You mention the word "Hell" in lines back to back to each other which was distracting. I thought the last line threw the poem for a loop, since I thought it entered in a completely separate idea that wasn't connected enough to the "slumber" line at the beginning, though it was good line. I feel like this needs revision and perhaps a shortening of the lines. I liked the first stanzas middle lines, but thought the poem switched too quickly to focus on the mother of the children, a transition which didn't seem to make sense with the bitterness expressed in the last stanza. I feel like the idea of the last line, "In the hidden cave under the ocean" should be explored more and more fully connected to the slumbering children mentioned in the beginning to make this poem a more cohesive and understandable read.
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Type of Poem
This is my first attempt at a wreath poem, where a line shares something from the line immediately before it. I hope this helps with understanding it.
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This poem is jarring and enigmatic. The words impart rather shocking thoughts but leave one looking for more information.
Very thought provoking.
Mike
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What?
...mother's will:
Whose wishes are more selfish...
Stirs the thought, for all it begs the question mark, more profoundly than the comma doth.
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Her burn in Hell wills...
Again, a tweak that stirs thought more, and justifies the anthropomorhic "deep frisson da mort" of th 3-4th lines.
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That thios piece plays on current and real concerns can only make it more evocative for some. To treat pof such subjects however, either greater poetic power or peculiarities of consideration is required. The denouement of this piece disappoints in its anthropomorphism, which could be rectified in a 3rd stanza - building on the human-environmental relationship (eg.
There will be no thoughts of mores,
Just, for as once above, humans
Did just what they thought they'd love
To death, and the cows, came home.)
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For its intent and the juxtaposition of sleep and speech I applaud.
MA.
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Excellent
A very powerful write. You expressed yourself quite well. Thank you for sharing this one with us. Again, well done.
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