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Autumn Sky

Apricot clouds exposure

cool from the pond nearby,
caring the scatter hands,
bled the amber leaves,
and feather black crows.

 

Their breaths fog the green

rising in clouds from ash

smoke seen from a distant

meadow, where kittens feed
continuously on a mother's breast.

 

As the temperatures chill the air,

and red leaves swirl around

On mounds piled
early that day,

by a lounger nearby gazing.

 

A spark from the sun
sparkled from the window pane,
and leaves dangled on a oak tree

longing for dreams.

 

 

Adrift, from far away planes
isolated, distorted runways

on cobbled stone.
and snapshots, glossed its

album cover.

 

 

 

 



 


 

 

Author notes

vignette

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 16 of 16

  • Sandra R Reynolds gold member
    November 2, 2008
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    Very beautiful imagery.


  • CitrineSunrise silver member
    October 23, 2008

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    You have used some beautiful imagery in this poem. The use of color aids the reader's vision. I also had a problem with the first stanza and it was the punctuation. The nouns and verbs did not match. For example, apricot clouds exposure cool...clouds cool, but exposure cools; caring, bled and feather need a definite reference. Do clouds feather crows? I'm confused. Other than the first stanza I thought the poem was very descriptive. Peace, Liz


  • NeonRose
    October 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I liked the overall 'feel' of this write. I did find a bit of confusion, as Sandal mentioned, but still found much to appreciate. A charming vignette.

    • saddie23
      October 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank you

      Thank you for wonderful comment given. I guess i should have cleared the confusion in the author's notes. Saddie23


  • Sandal
    October 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    There is good imagery in this vignette, but the actual words could use more attention.
    What is "caring the scatter hands"? The first stanza seems to describe what the clouds are doing - I can't see another subject.
    I really like leaves "longing for dreams". You have an interesting viewpoint.

    • saddie23
      October 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank you

      Scatter hands is a metaphor for leaves, but could use your advice to make it better. Thnk you for commenting. Saddie23


  • Candy6
    October 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Very good write. Full of beautiful imagery.


  • DreamerGal
    September 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I like it alot.It sounds almost like a painting that I can picture in my mind.good job!

    • saddie23
      September 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you

      Thank you for the wonderful comment given to my poem. Saddie23


  • tomisb
    September 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Positives: beautiful snapshot imagery that blends so nicely together to create a feeling of not just this autumn but every autumn that stole the heart with its grace.

    There is a feeling of lyricism, soft and subtle, like the smell of leaf smoke from a distant fire, or the last barbacue cookout, three blocks away.

    Negatives: I think the opening verse is awkward. I think I better understand the word snapshot in the first line. I find it off putting. I like the last two lines, they represent the sharpness of your visual writers eye and ablity to see what is essential in a vignette such as this. I just find the first three as trying to do to much and so unfocused.

    My response to criticism is to look at it to see what I can learn from it. Then I have to decide what I can do, if anything, while staying true to my own personal style. I offer my critique in the hope that you will find things here to support your quest to be a better poet. You have a wonderful way of presenting a touching and wonderful vision.

    Peace & LIght,
    Tom B.

    • saddie23
      September 26, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you

      My first response is a snapshot to the viewer who opens his or her eyes when he or she captures a moment. So, to your answer no it serves its purpose in the first line. It gives the reader a picture presented by the writer. Thank you for the constructive criticism. I felt is a worthy poem not quiet finished, but has potential. Saddie23


  • JT Sammer
    September 26, 2008

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    I really like it, my only suggestion, with the flowing script in the first two stanza's keep it like that. Then make the next two not flowing, then the final stanza you could do one line flowing and the other normal etc. Other then that, keep a close eye on your grammar but it looks great! Good job keep it up, Peace n' Love, JT

    • saddie23
      September 26, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thank u

      Thank you for the wonderful comments given. I will at that, my first doing a vignette and I will keep that in mind. Saddie23

  • tomisb
    September 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Edit carring the scatter hands. carring means root word is car. If there is an e on the end of car so it ist care than it is careing. Then I doubt the e on the end of ashe when I would of accepted it before. Spelling is so important. Check this and change things. I will come back. Don't reply or rate this. I want it to stay anon. I only comment on these technical items because on a short poem they really detract and this has so much going for it.
    Tom B.

1 - 16 of 16