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Second Chance to Breathe - JRAM

 

 

 

 

Second Chance to Breathe

 

 

Snow covered ground beneath icy sky
mysterious place to be I cannot deny
Of a sudden I’m swept into a past domain
tarnished memories, links on a rusty chain

 

 

Tarnished memories, links on a rusty chain
  the old residence I’ve come to view again
Now degenerated to a dilapidated space
  house without people, faded paint and lace

Of a sudden I’m swept into a past domain
  startling traces of my kindred still remain
Descendants are scarred by haunting feud
  unyielding door defends a house subdued

Mysterious place to be, I cannot deny
  a house that whispers to every passer by
Reveals a ghostlike persona of its very own
  creaking floor boards echo a sinister groan

 

 

Snow covered ground beneath icy sky
many decades have now passed by
I‘ll dismantle the oxidized barbed wire
I’ll make this my home, a place to admire

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

This Form of Poetry is called JRAM...My own creation -LilacThOughts-

"Houses without people in them have a particular feel. It is as though you have caught them in the act of being entirely themselves. They resist re-entry, insisting on retaining an uninhabited atmosphere, so that you feel you need to creep about. Only gradually will they begin to warm to you again."

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Comments

1 - 17 of 17

  • The Poetic Bandits gold member
    November 9, 2008

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    Bandit Appreciation!

    Thank you for this entry to the reading list your participation is appreciated!


    The Poetic Bandits


  • WolfHeart
    November 9, 2008

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    Excellent

    Houses without people are eerie, as if you can feel the life force that once lived there. There is so much energy and rich imagery. . . a first rate poem.


  • Polaja Greeters member
    November 8, 2008

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    Ahh, this poem is just as wonderful as the first time that I read it I love the way that you rhyme so smoothly and so well - the oxidized barbed wire is still my favorite part and it has such an impact

    Keep writing

    Polly


  • AutumnGypsy gold member
    November 7, 2008

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    This is so wonderful, I find it fascinating that you have created your own form and how wonderfully it read, full of emotion and great imagery. well done. Best to you in the contest


  • Room without doors gold member
    November 6, 2008

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    Outstanding

    This is an interesting form. I liked the repetition of lines just enough to make an impact but not too over the top which you find in the villanelle. The rhyme is strong and the poem is full of rich imagery that created a real sense of isolation:
    Reveals a ghostlike persona of its very own
    creaking floor boards echo a sinister groan
    I enjoyed reading this poem a lot. Best of luck in the contest.


  • Sandra R Reynolds gold member
    November 5, 2008

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    Beautiful form and rhyme scheme. So much in it. I like
    Snow covered ground beneath icy sky
    many decades have now passed by
    I‘ll dismantle the oxidized barbed wire
    I’ll make this my home, a place to admire
    Peaceful endng.


  • Crazy9Piano8Freak
    November 5, 2008

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    I like this form... How did you come up with it? Great job! I love the last stanza especially! Keep it up!


  • Lady Altheia
    November 4, 2008

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    Houses do seem to have an empty nest feeling when no one lives in them anymore and all hat are left are memories.


  • ronnica
    November 4, 2008

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    I pictured every scene as you wrote it, very visual feel. I grew up across the waY from a house that had been burned down and no-one would live in it so I know what you are saying. I Well done.

  • Polaja Greeters member
    November 1, 2008
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    I love the addition of the oxidised barbed wire - it is refreshingly concrete ... this poem is haunting in itself - never mind those family feuds ... I really like the set up and the interest that this generates in the house that you are writing about thank you for entering!

    Keep writing

    Polly


  • Haiku-bless-you silver member
    October 26, 2008

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    This is a charming poem, and an interesting and engaging form. Your imagery is fresh and unique, very well done, best of luck in this contest.

    Dennis


  • hawkeslake gold member
    October 26, 2008

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    Strong and colorful images help us visualize the house in all its decayed glory! Sometimes I think that "people without houses" (the homeless) are very much like the house in this poem... a fine read!


  • Freed by Mercy silver member
    October 26, 2008

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    I like how you personify this house, give it a untrusting, almost sinister personality. The line repetition works very well.

    I especially enjoyed the hopeful, last stanza.


  • Ronztrek
    October 26, 2008

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    Wow!

    As a home builder my self, I can even say that a new empty home has a different feel to it, but one that calls out for habitation.. it seems that many years later.. empty, sulking in loneliness, it doesn't feel ready to love again, but as you so well put it, it slowly opens up as passed memories fade and new ones begin.. a bit like our own hearts if I may say. Bravo, I truly enjoyed this write!

    Ron


  • Learning2PaintYou
    October 25, 2008

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    I love the imagery in this poem!! "house without people, faded paint and lace" is such a strong, overwhelming image. You have done a very great job with this poem.


  • emc2
    October 25, 2008

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    Wow! Beautiful poem. I really love this form of poetry you have created. I love how you describe everything in great detail. It allows the reader to imagine this place you are talking about. Abandoned houses truly do have a certain distinct about them, as if they have their own personality. Every house has its own story and that story is revealed to the ones who enter into them. With a little work, they become great homes with another story added to its history. Excellent job with this poem! Good Luck in the contest!

1 - 17 of 17