The poison that is my myself
Deadly, yet so innocent
Spinning rapidly out of control
Down into the abyss of nothingness
Crashing through a mirage of emotions
To Strong to give in
Yet to weak to go on
Trapped in an abyss of numbing solitude
Unable to pass through to the light
Unwilling to let go
Of what i never had
Hope
Author notes
I have no idea what this was inspired by, it just came to me
A contest entry
- The Best of Poetry by headintheclouds.
450 points, ended October 30, 2008, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything Your Heart Desires by Rhapsody.
550 points, ended December 27, 2008, 101 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - An EASY Pre-Write Contest, For Once. by AboveApathy.
700 points, ended December 16, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything Goes by Shancy Fayre.
700 points, ended January 5, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prompts, prompts, and more prompts!!!! :] by jayyniecakes..
800 points, ended February 3, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PreWrite contest for my favorites/AP family/and group!!! by Kathraina.
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• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Help me reach my 2000 comment By entering your poetry by Night Terrors.
400 points, ended May 11, 261 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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emotional poem - bare details...
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very darkly inspirational. you painted such a beautiful black place... with such few words as well. you have a lot of talent. good write!
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This is a beautiful piece...you are extremely talented. Nice job.
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wow thats really cool. i like this alot. i think its really interesting. nice way of looking at it. i love the ending too. it ties it all together nicely. it kinda reminds me about where i am now. a little bit lost you kno, but nothing that cant be fixed. i wish you the best. <3
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Image is good
You must fix your grammar as to and too are confused. The tone and beats slows well with the imagery, but the metaphor could be more polished. It confuses me whether you have hope or not, I see the fall, the struggle. But the grammar is such that hope is a paradox, never there but gripped in struggle. Do you have the will to fight or are you just holding the abyss at bay ? A few words would paint a better picture for me and lead me as a reader more carefully to your poetic vista.
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Niiice
Nice little dark write. Short and simple in appearance, but holding a sense of depth that is hard to achieve in such a small amount of space by most writers.
I'm particularly fond of the last few lines:
Trapped in an abyss of numbing solitude
Unable to pass through to the light
Unwilling to let go
Of what i never had
Hope.
...
My only qualm with the whole thing is the lack of symmetry to the stanzas (first is 7, second is 5), but, thats the thing about poetry, there's no limit as to what has to be done.
That only my preference though, and other than that, this is a interesting and compelling write.
Great job.
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How can one live being like that?
It's something either too exaggerated or too true. If the latter it is, it's hard to imagine how can you cope with the world around. Whatever the lining, the form is pleasant to read. Wish you HOPE to tame yourself and love yourself so that your gift yield brighter poetry gems. -
Many good poems just come to the poet. I believe it is our muse at work. This poem was well written, I believe it was even a very fast write. May you do well in your craft. I would like to see more of your work here.
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I really enjoyed this work, and the background was emphatic
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Awesome...
Impressive work!!!
Great narrative, rhythm & flow with a dark undertone that I could very much relate to...
Keep up the good work...
Well done!!!
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That was really good I love this poem it i can really relate to it.
The Positives:
Great dark imagery and emotion
Room For Improvement:
I is a proper noun it needs to be capitalized no matter what. Think of it as a substitution for your name.
My Favorite Part:
Spinning rapidly out of control
Down into the abyss of nothingness
Crashing through a mirage of emotions
To Strong to give in
Yet to weak to go on
That part was very clever.
Overall:
I give this an 7/10 you did great. I hope to see you in my future contests thanks so much for entering.
~*~Apathetic Poison~*~ -
The struggle between ego and spirit. If "I" let go, what will happen. Is it Hope or false Hope> Can the Spirit be trusted to lead the way? Go for the Light.
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this is a wonderful poem. (:
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Judged-ola!
I love the name, and the concept is fascinating. -
what a morose tale. are all like this? i shall read and find out I enjoy a good melancholic poem, for thats almost all i write nowadays. ironically i am a very cheery person
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I have been there so many times. I understand this poem well. You may want to change 2 of your "to" to too, that will make it right. Thank you for entering your poem. Shancy.
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Great, and all the better for being short. I agree with your last caller re repetition and to/too.
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VERY powerful ending. very powerful poem in entirety, really.
two suggestions:
1) *too strong to give in, *too weak to go on
-one of the most powerful lines, these grammar errors took away from their beauty.
2) You used the word 'abyss' twice. It wouldn't matter so much if the poem were longer, but since there are only three lines separating the words, another synonym would be more... refreshing, not to mention it would help enstill the point of the poem rather than make it redundant.
Aside from these minor suggestions, this is wonderful! I love it!
-wesley -
Grand! I can't say I know how you feel b/c i'm not you. But I've been through what that feels like, just never could describe it. Great job.
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I see your trapped here. You want free of what holds you back yet you've been tramatized so badly you haven't the strength to get away. But you must break the chain and go foward, follow the light and escape. You must to remain same. This write is full of motions. Looking foward to reading more. Rose
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I like this poem alot good emotion and word usage beautiful work.
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"The poisin that is myself" that is such a perfect beginning. I love how you ended it too! Good write! Good luck in my contest! Thanks for entering!
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WOW! This is really deep. Great work. I love your poems. There really good and you express your feelings in this one really well..
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Oh this was good! good job! I liked it alot! u r a good writer keep it up!
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Oh wow Hon. Believe me, I understand. I have been there; and sometimes it is a struggle not to go there again. The ingenuity of the contradicting emotions and feeling; and so true; expressing the dichotomy and irony of our very existence -
"To Strong to give in
Yet to weak to go on
Unwilling to let go
Of what i never had
Hope "
I do believe that what you are not giving up on is your hope for hope. This is what you long for and need. Don't give up the fight hon. You are strong and you will beat this.
The opening line was stunning;
"The poison that is my myself"
I find myself thinking that way to. We must try to have positive thoughts and images. We feed ourselves these things. It's partly a matter of controling our minds and trying to give ourselves the positive input that maybe our environment/family never gave us. In fact, they may have done just the opposite and we need to take control and be our own best friend and healer.
It's a struggle for me too. Some days worse than others. I know one thing though; I never want to fall into that abyss of nothingness that you speak of. I have been there and I know exactly what you are saying here. I will tell you a well-kept secret though: The beauty and mystery of it is that even if we do fall into the abyss; eventually we come out to the Light on the other side because it is the Light that rules.
Everything that you need is available to you; to get you through this. Believe...
I am so glad to see you writing and expressing yourself again here though. That is a big breakthrough; and the beginning of your new healing journey.
Love and Light,
Karen
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