The rope was draped upon his shoulder, a thick ugly rope and the end had been cut and rewoven to make the circle around his neck. A busy man with warm blue eyes, a meticulous manner, and calm facial expression moved him until both feet were within a square, and offered a black cloth to cover his eyes, a spastic head shake refused. The busy man stood still eyes inspecting top to bottom, and stepped back, right hand to a lever, eyes to the seconds hand of a large clock; and the awful room...stood in silence as the man saw three hands upon twelve.
"It was as if an unseen hand grabbed him and flung him to the end of the rope. The sound, the ringing of the sudden stop...so violent, so quick. It was a sound I will not forget", the witness in the blue coat turned and left, past the victim's family, wearing brave smiles, and the public defender, looking more haggard than usual, as his former client was quickly taken away.
It was exactly noon, on the big clock. He looked to the top of the room and saw the rope hung slack, and his eyes saw through the pale green paint and cement covered girders. He could see the sky, and blue but could not lie to himself anymore, standing over a trapdoor to punishment.
And the memory that he had convinced was a lie stood before his eyes, a woman in deepest blue light, and she said a word which had not escaped her lips when...he looked again, and the rope had begun...to unfurl.
And he braced for a fall into an endless all unknown, faith had come late. But it came in time for he needed it. It took nothing to stand, and less to let the world pull him out of life. But forgiveness was the thing his mind sought so desperately; he fought for a moment when he could find peace, and one last time...look at himself.
Author notes
A contest entry
- Fiction On AllPoetry? Call Me Rebel! by Yemassee.
875 points, ended October 3, 2008, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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PK, you delve into a subject
so difficult to think about
and you immerse the reader
in the moment, the last moment
when faith must come, finally.
An "aspect of noon"---when
time stands still, then stops.
Masterful!
Aesthete
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re: Nicolette's comment...MariGoes also recently called a paragraph a stanza, Poets!
Blue becomes a major sign here..sky, coat, eyes, woman's aura...,maybe it's the symbol of redemption? Or even of the entire gamut of the crime and the salvation...The woman in blue light, she is what propels this story, for in her is probably the question and the ultimate answer...what was his crime, how was it connected to her. We don't know, but the next question I ask is...do we need to? Good question. I think sometimes we don't, when the focus on the story is on the mystery, not on the crime. If it's to focus on his death, maybe we do. I guess it's the tight rope walk the writer must decide upon.
I see it as a crime of passion. Though of course there isn't enough here to justify that, it's just one of a number of possibilities...including possible metaphorical ones. So maybe it's intended to be more, a more philosophic or religious symbol or presentiment, a vision of Mary, commingled of course, with a victim. It's fun to speculate
"but could not lie to himself anymore"
That is definitely a man facing his guilt, and to what extent he is admitting it depends on that blue lit female vision, that's good, really good. And maybe that is why she appears in blue light, his guilt of murder? I'm beginning to see that as as more of a metaphor than just his guilt presenting itself.
And that is what makes fiction work, well one of many things...that ability to allude, to make us speculate, to see the scene and yet. not see it all...not see the depth, the enormity.
Ah wait, there is this line...
"faith had come late"
I missed that before...that explains the woman in blue, at least a possible explanation, and makes it more religious than a literal memory or knowledge of guilt.
"he fought for a moment when he could find peace, and one last time...look at himself."
That, for me, is a perfect ending. It's curtains for him (to use a bad pun) and there is no time to make sense of it all, of his life, apply what he may now know...and I don't know about you, but I've faced those kinds of deadlines, true, not death, but different kinds of deaths...knowledge we gained to late and wish we could somehow apply, or make sense of...
Ah, and what were those words that the woman in blue light finally uttered? "Forgiven" maybe?" Maybe, we don't really need to know, we have an idea of what this story's theme is, and that is enough.
It's also easy to look at a story like this from a literal perspective, but I know from my own writing that a condemned man isn't always a condemned man and a blue sky can mean many things...
Again, that is another thing that is fun about reading fiction, trying to see through the author's eyes...into his head, his intent.
I might suggest a few cosmetic things, like slightly rewording the opening sentence, and explaining to the reader what you mean by a "busy man," but just cosmetic stuff, the power of the story is already there.
I like fiction that explores the human condition, what makes us tick, and so, it will not come as a surprise that I like this more than a little.
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Yem-
I wrote this as a poem and the idea was time, what I call : differential perception
; and went into detail on the history...events preceding the scene...i lost the poem on AP ad page. So this is a new slant focuses on just one part. Anyway, thank you for the comment, for the time and effort needed for such an insightful and helpful analysis, I am truly grateful...PK
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Wonderfully written prose here. I liked the transition from the first to the 2nd stanza, especially the images of hands and the way it linked with the clock. The blue colours here were applied so well too. Great writing.
~ Nicolette
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Well written...
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This is quite a strong story in subject and emotions.
The first paragraph is a very good opening to what comes next. You didn't explore the crime itself or made the punishment the main imagery here. His last minutes and his remorse was what grabbed my attention there.
Well done!
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