like a sunburn

and i'm talking to you but my mouth doesn't know what i'm saying
it is coming out like vomit and i can't stop it.
i can't stop telling you it's over.
i keep just cutcutcutting you out of my life
with every word i say and it's like
knives into my side because even  i know that
something is not right in the way that we are
ending this.


and i just keep drinking these cups of coffee
and smoking these cigarettes
and not eating and just
being here because that's the only thing that i know how to do.
and you're gone this time.
i feel it.
and it's my fault.


i like the ruined after effect,
the surreal buzzing in the back of your head,
the thoughts that's only jumping out your second story window
can heal.
the cliche "i could just swallow these pills and then---"
no.
we must get on with it.
we must.
we must.
we must.

and it's like, i feel that repeating myself i will
make something beautiful.
like the sky, or an ocean, or a field just full of [you]flowers.
i keep biting my lip to make up for the words that
i want to tell you.
i keep checking my phone even though i know that
there won't be anything because i am the one that
did it this time. i am the one that did it. me.


the floor is shaking and moving and swaying and i
just can't help myself that i feel impregnated
and that i wish that
i was.
but it's just a little belly and the food will soon
come back up and i know it's so cliche but i've realized that
everything i say lately comes out to be something that
somebody else has already said, has already cliched.
and i just want to make my own.

i just want to feel you.
but i can't. i can't. i can't even ask you back.
i can't even apologize for this one.
i didn't want to grab on so tight that when i pulled away,
you ripped.
i didn't want to sink my teeth into bone and feel
so much for you that i had to bite down and cut
off your circulation and
part of you.

i just wanted to be happy and you
you made that impossible because
you loved me too much and i can't
do that with people because i don't
deserve any of it and i have just
proved that.