i.
It was a branch
snapped off a sycamore tree
and pared to its ivory bone.
The heart stripped of bark
and bled photosynthesis
from its four chambers.
The little leaves clipped off
their narrow stems
while littering the sand,
and Aaron held it
like a newborn child
not realizing
it was stillborn.
ii.
Aaron's left and right hands
weave their flesh and bones
around the wooden foundation
crusting its skeleton.
Moses's lips split
their sections
red as pomegranates.
With one command,
the femur breaks off
and alters itself
into a slithering serpent.
It swallows the chameleons
before shifting back.
Author notes
Yes, this is a revised version of the original poem that I took down.
In a list
Constructive Criticism
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Woah. Someone needs to hurry up and finish the second part of this. lol
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Wow!!!
What can I say. This poem is beautiful, and so creative. It's so visionary. I read it a couple of times because I was so blown away by the images you projected with this piece. Fantastic work. Jani
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I like this version better, it kept with the same basic idea and imagery, but made those images ten times better than they already were =D
I loved the 'bled photosynthesis' part
GREAT job
diggin it majorly
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...This is really, really good. The imagery is, like, utter perfection - and that's the best compliment I could give at this obscene hour.
It did feel wordy in some spots, as such:
it was a stillborn
crusting over its skeleton
Do you absolutely need 'a' and 'over'? It would work without them. Still, utter fabulousness.
-hiraeth
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Thanks so for much your comment. I agree with you 'a' and 'over'. I was looking for those type of words last night, and thought I caught most of them. Thanks for pointing them out.
No hiraeth, the obscene hour was when I revised this.
- Aly
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