Walking into
my dim apartment
television left on
to warn off thieves
Fantasy blue sparkles
of light dancing a
path to my ceiling fan
Sit my gouged hard-hat
on the
gum graffiti
table I found
up north
Bump the hills
of my dusty
work boots
that stink
to high heaven
While tossing
my faded
safety vest
that doesn’t
quite reflect
like it should
Grabbing the last
beer out the sticker
stained refrigerator
Wondering if she
will ever come back
Author notes
Been having some very off writing days. Any ideas to tweak my attempt at imagery would be helpful, thanks.
A contest entry
- Anything Goes (Enlighten Me) by Mrs. Moretti.
475 points, ended September 30, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter your best prewrite! Gain points. by xxRainbowDawnxx.
925 points, ended October 4, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Turn those greenies into gold (or silver or bronze) pt 7 by whispernthedark.
700 points, ended October 11, 2008, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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this was poignant and real and made me sad, the emptiness of a home without its heart is painted here, in the details that another body present would mask-I thought this was a great write.
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Who knows. All I know is I'm used of those I care about walking away. Go figure.
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You have developed and irregular flow here, the way your words mesh against one another. I thought that was very interesting. You have a slow pace and describe these details as if you are taking the time to study them as you complete them. A very languid feeling washes over me even at the end, where you know you should be sad, but it doesn't quite surface that way. My only criticism would be this: capitalizing the start of each line can distract from the flow of your piece. I would suggest capitalizing only the start of each stanza. Other than that, this was well done.
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Thank you so much. I have always felt something was taking away from my writing (Besides lack of skill lol) but never could put my finger on it. After reading your critique, I was able to see clearly the capitalization was a distraction.
Im wondering, at least for free verse, should I not capitalize at all?
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That is all relative. I don't usually, but that is merely because I think it punches the power of other capitalization that you may use within the poem itself. I know people who don't even capitalize their "I's" *shrugs* It depends on your style. Glad that I could be of help
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ok thats a good tip. I will start caps on the start of each stanza, play with that and see how that works for me. thanks again for ur advice. i would've never thought of that. much love and respect
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Taking something not so pretty to something beautiful. The imagery helped, along with the the last stanza! Brilliant-to make that work!
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thank you very much. Im glad you were able to feel my purpose. much love and respect
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