Within the eye's

Born to a mother and father that prayed
for many years to have another child.
Grew up in a loving home, filled with
scents of home grown garden goods,
fresh fruit, and lemon cleaned wood.

My mother was my best friend,
my teacher, my world, my everything.
I was but only eleven playing at her feet.
I heard the word come from the doctors
mouth and wished my brain not to believe.

She would die and very soon but not
till I watched the woman she was,
become nothing but a shell in two in a half years.
I was young but it takes it toll,
watching your parent die, feeling alone.

I was but thirteen and I see her final breath,
my father weeps for the love of his life.
A shell of a man for the next four years.
My first years in a real public school,
drugs, drinking, boys, and music.

I lost my vision, I wiped my tears
with stained relationship, and tainted hands.
Abuse, loss of my children to heavens gates.
Told I was worth nothing, and I believe them.
In the back of my mind I still do.

Cold hands, evil grins, devils eye's
I was washed in sin. All to take it away,
for a hour, a day, a night, or moment.
No care for the pain I caused,
or future anguish it would bring my life.

Blessed with a daughter at twenty-one years,
my reason for joy, and to pull myself together.
Young married at twenty-two with a new born,
I never found myself, who, what, or why?
Lost within the love I wanted to give.

Yet I did not love myself, and the man
nothing but a boy to share my bed.
Fighting, pain, tears, and grief.
Lost within my own world, drowning
behind a silent plea to just be loved.

Everything now I can look back upon,
the giving heart that had nothing
left to really give, but I did.
A tormented soul, of the damage true
love could bring, I destroy the love given to me.

I run from the truth of my own heart
due to the pain, I forgive when I should walk away.
I believe for a moment in all the wrong people,
I walk this path with a tear stained face,
afraid to let anyone in. Then I do.

Betrayal, lies, secrets, then they wonder why?
I am but a woman looking for the truth,
trying to love myself, when no one would.
Trying to forgive my past, trying to move
into the future, trying to believe again.

There is still so much to tell of this
little girl that is still in pain.
To the woman that now questions all, and everything.
For there is always a reason behind my actions.
Afraid to love like I know I can.

Divorce, bruises, might as well be a black
hole within my heart for the games well played.
I am today a lover of nature, a passion filled person,
loyal to those that are loyal, loved by many.
I write of my pain, pleasure, and MYJOYS.

But most of all I write to release my stress,
my fears, to cry the tears that just wont come.
To say I am sorry, to explain my true feelings.
I write to understand dreams, and daydreams.
But most of all I write in hopes to understand me.