Inhale these toxic whims,
burning my dreams
leaving only ashes
where my heart used to be.
But I don't mind,
'Coz the rain is gonna come
my hopes I'm gonna find
and the tapestry will be done.
Exhale these faithless words,
casting doubt away
leaving behind dellusion
where the dreams used to be.
But I don't care
'Coz soon the sun will rise
I'll remember how to dare
and cast aside your threads 'n lies.
Inhale your poison promises
scorching holes inside my skin
leaving scars upon my soul
and lesions to fray my sanity.
But baby it's all good
'Coz soon I won't be here
and you're gonna wish you could
give up the world to keep me near.
Exhale this twisted fantasy
of you, and me, and them
I got no patience left for it
and the faded pages crumble.
So say bye, baby bye
'Coz it's time for us to die
our souls say it's time to leave
we've got new passions now to weave
and in the greying of the day
there's just nothing left to say.
A contest entry
- Anything Goes (Enlighten Me) by Mrs. Moretti.
475 points, ended September 30, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Feel free to be as critical (or not) as you like...
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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As always, I'm left speechless by your skillfully executed flow...
Love it...
So full of passion & reflection with a fantastic rhyming narrative within that enthralled throughout...
You truly are the mistress of your art...
Yet another outstanding & heartfelt piece that left me feeling thoughtful & contemplative...
Well done!!! -
WOW
such a narrative of rhyme. Your language fits perfectly for the feeling and the format. I felt bitterness, but more so desolation of one's spirit. Makes one want to respond with a hearty embrace and words of encouragement.
Excellent!
Silent Hawk
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Well done, Poetess! I like the inhale/exhale metaphor held throughout. The imagery is great and it has a heartbeat. That last line is perfect. Raw throughout, LOVE it!
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This was very well written, although I'm not one for grammatical errors ("I got no" "'Coz") but in this case I felt as if it fit for some reason. I can't really describe what I felt for this poem, but I like it a lot! Ever breath brought their own thoughts, each one full of meaning. Brilliant!
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Thanks for your comment, I have to be honest, those particular grammatical errors are not *usually* my style either, but as you say, for this poem they did seem to fit...I was in an odd mood when I wrote this
Thanks again,
Luck.
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Profound & honest...
Fantastic!!!
Yet another piece that had me captivated throughout...
Some great wordplay/choice/use that made for a thought provoking & self reflective read...
Keep up the great work...
Well penned, well versed, well done!!!
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