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Odd Combination


I have a task, I labour so long
Incredibly though, I know it is wrong
Encourage me on, I don’t understand
Notice my bleeding, blistered hand?
With vigour, I mix this odd combination
Of oil, water and determination
Tides of glistening amalgamation
May be just hopeful imagination

I grow so weary, there’s a separation
I know that there is no reparation
Your finger dips in to taste the brew
With a smile you say it isn’t true
You stir, with ease you labour so long
I start to forget why I thought it was wrong

I watch you stir and watch your eyes
But all you see are the bubbles rise
Discontent as I watch them burst
And I hail down my very worst

I throw the stones and chip the glass
Water flows slowly through the grass
Oil clings tightly to the blades
While I am free to join the cascades
I feel it outside and I feel it within
Now wipe this slickness from my skin


I am really trying to work on meter and flow, any suggestions would be very helpful. The more constructive fedback I get the better!

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • worshipchick
    December 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, I'm super impressed even if I'm not sure what you're talking about. ;-) I think this is great- not usually a fan of a lot of rhyme, but you did it really well. If you want constructive feedback... hmmm... the last line of the first and fourth stanzas seem a little off with the meter, seemed to me you could add a syllable or two. I have to say the last stanza was great though- good ending content wise and it flowed really well. Overall great piece! :-) Blessings...