Footsteps from behind

                          avid gaze
                          looms
                          like darkness

                          your pupil is
                          my shadow

                          - cold alley

                          stolen shiver;
                          dead

Author notes

Prompt: picture above painted by Becky Hicks

A contest entry

priceless by Lavender Butterfly. 450 points, ended September 25, 2008, 14 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest

Critical Review Desired

Comments

1 - 7 of 7

By me, right now

Adding your comment:
tara wilson
September 27, 2008

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I like how this starts off as a gaze, and then

"your pupil is
my shadow"

and then putting those lines within a 'cold alley'...

I love the way you write metaphor within metaphor, you extend them very, very well & clearly. Congrats on the gold, I'm not surprised to see a gold to this poem at all
crimsondew
September 26, 2008
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Wonderful...love the impact of these words..Congrats on the gold!
carole21
September 25, 2008
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amazing write . . liked "your pupil is my shadow" and "stolen shiver" . . congrats on the gold !!
kiwigirljacks
September 24, 2008

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Damn you and your poetic talent!!!!

Fabulous write hun.. impressively creative!!
Lavender Butterfly
September 24, 2008
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How immensely creative... x
notorious
September 24, 2008

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I don't think I have any critique whatsoever.

LMAO

The only thing I wonder about (but I'm not nitpicking, just wondering ) is "like darkness"--to me, that picture kind of IS darkness, as opposed to just being like it...

But a picture can have like, 10 000 translations, right?

"your pupil/is my shadow"
Truly and incredibly kick-ass lines there...!!! And... definitely works with the pic, although I don't really think you need it.

You should definitely place!!

,
Jessica
Never Fall in Love
September 23, 2008
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Love ya ♥
ps: really good poem