Writing Bear
This past weekend a friend of mine drove to Northern Maine to visit me, as we set reminiscing on the couch, we laughed. Going off into a tirade I uttered out; “On my first day of school as the new student, we assembled in the gym and you told me I wasn’t half bad.” He stopped me to ask how I could remember such useless information, taking a moment to gather my reply I realized that there is no such thing as useless information; just random memories to make stories out of later.
Tyler has been astonished with the fact that I have the ability to hold onto information for long periods of time since we official met. Of course my ability doesn’t impress me, I retain all kinds of things that most people don’t tend to bother thinking twice about. As an individual that tends to underestimate myself I find the functions of a memory far more fascinating. For me events become stories I can later write about in poems, short stories, and even articles.
Remembering something like the first words he spoke to me led to poem, leading to a familiar face, which ultimately left me with a relationship built to withstand a lifetime. Knowledge is just like that - you get a little bit of it and it grows.
When I thought about going to college, about leaving the familiarity of high school I thought about a girl who wasn’t ready. Again, under estimating what I was capable of. In that doubt I decided on attending a community college. But this academia doesn’t happen to be the right choice for me. I want to be challenged, I want to work towards my ultimate goal, I want to be surrounded by a large masses of others working towards their goals. What I really want is to be a hard working sponge at the University of Maine, a black bear in the journalism program.
Someday I hope to be a writer and to have the ability to pass on what I have learned into the future through print. “EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT!” Could be about me, what’s truly exciting about this job will not only be the opportunity for me to educate others, but that I will be learning constantly in the interviews I conduct, in the research I have to pursue, and from the places I get to visit.
Every time you get out of bed and stretch into a new day you receive the precious chance to make a new memory to learn from and share with others. There is nothing that, once done, serves no purpose. For even if its only use is repeating it, there is always the chance that you are planting a seed in someone’s mind. As for me though, I’m ready to leave community college and be where I belong in a black bear lifestyle. I have the will power, and you have the blueberry bush- feed the bear of knowledge!
Author notes
I NEED NEED NEED NEED to get in, help me and I'll give away points to you. In reason; it has to be beneficial!
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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"as we set reminiscing on the couch" should be 'as we sat'
"Going off into a tirade I" I'm thinking should be 'going off on a tirade' maybe?
"time since we official met." should be 'officially'
"As an individual that tends to underestimate myself" should be 'as an individual who tends to underestimate herself' I think.
"he spoke to me led to poem" should that be 'led to a poem'?
"led to poem, leading to a familiar face" you changed tense there. 'led' then 'leading'? needs fixing.
"college, about leaving the familiarity of high school I thought about" you need a comma in there right before 'I'.
"Again, under estimating what I was capable of" 'underestimating' is one word.
"I decided on attending a community college" should be 'I decided to attend a community college'.
"I want to be challenged, I want to work towards my ultimate goal, I want to be" put a hyphen where the commas are and drop the commas.
"pass on what I have learned into the future through print" 'into' should be just 'to'.
"“EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT!” Could be about me," this is one sentence. lose the comma, add a period and capitalize the next word.
"a new memory to learn from" a comma after 'memory'.
there are other mistakes but those are the most glaring.
I don't want your points. if you want to repay me, read some of my poems sometime.
or not, as you wish. -
How serious an edit do you want? For example, "(Tyler has)[Friends] (been)[are] astonished (with the fact) that I have the ability to hold onto information for long periods of time (since we official met). (Of course my ability doesn’t impress me, I retain all kinds of things that most people don’t tend to bother thinking twice about.)[I find this ordinary but a good memory is a huge benefit]. (As an individual that tends to underestimate myself I find the functions of a memory far more fascinating.) For me events become stories I can later write about in poems, short stories, and even articles."
The words in () I would cut. Those in [] I would add. I have tried to leave your personality in this but put it in tighter, clearer sentences. Apply this to the rest of your essay, cutting unnecessary words. Remeber, you want to be a professional writer. Show your creativity at the same time as your word craft.
In general, leave some of the personal stuff out. Talk more about why this college is where you need to be. Talk about having grown up alot since high school. Your last paragraph is good.
Hope this helps. Buff
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omg that would be perfect for u i think... talk to me sometime about it k? we need to talk anyway.
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where are u planning on transferring? i am too drunk to edit this but it seems like you put effort into it that won't be overlooked. good luck.
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actually. I'm not looking at UMaine anymore. My credit transfer lady thinks NESCOM would be better since I'm still going for journalism. And you'd know best if that was a good place. But I just don't know anymore.
Maybe I'll run away to Jamaica and live like Bob.
haha
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awww, this is spectacular, what do you need help with it about? *hugs*
Stephanie ♥
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something about it just seems so off
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hmmmmm, it seems a little sped up and rushed....maybe add more into it.
what are you supposed to be doing? -
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transferring college essay
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but what do they want?
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anything. 500 words.
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well, you should probably make it more...structured?
keep personal ties into it, but also make them view you as a person they want...so add more to it..like less of a story, and more of im selling myself, buy me...maybe? -
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your great
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Yeah, that makes sense
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i hope i helped a little *hugs*
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i thought an ending like this: I have the will power, and you have the blueberry bush- feed the bear of knowledge.
im going to applaud myself- because ive been working on this forever
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