on lakes sunshine
lives skin deep
surfacing
down deep
darkness grows
like people
Author notes
Sunshine
A contest entry
- PIF Contest/Word Prompt by Allyce May.
800 points, ended October 22, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Shoot.
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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FAAAABULOUS
OOOOH♥
I love the title & the poem it is beautiful.
I really liked the second party. It just flowed very nicely and reminded me of little mushrooms with faces. ♥
wow.
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This is like all your work, very deep. Simple yet you get past just the words and you are in a world of depth, understanding, lies, shadows, dark, and even drowning. Well done really.
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what an eerie chill this leaves me with...
yikes
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i recognize the depth of this short write. very cleverly crafted. interesting commentary on human nature - a thin glaze of sunshine on the surface like a smile hiding a chill that runs deeper. looks can be deceiving.
i love that you took the simple prompt "sunshine" and used it perfectly in such an unexpected and insightful way. awesome write. - NANGALEEMA
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One of the most captivating poems I've read, this short
Oh wow, this is surely a winner in my eyes. I really appreciate the title, giving a resonance of not only how people stay shadowed, and don't chase the warmer seasons of the world in their personality of city... and the bitterness of December casts over. Where the discipline is on the warm periphery of certain crowds you stay in, you aren't frozen raw, but parted.
And, the phrasing of "skin deep" has an irony to usual excessiveness. But, rather visualizes that measure of how far happiness penetrates, like right conditions with infra red! Instead of accelerating out of the light, shallow water.
The repetition of "deep" could irk me a bit, when using less than 15 words. However, this is of a drowning mind! The metaphor is simplistic and captures the moment of real life, being so dizzy and unconsciously etched, it's hard to see shore.
I think I see your comparison crystal clear- well done,
Daisy -
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Wow, thank-you very much for the indepeth look into the piece... guess I missed this notification. Very glad you enjoyed it.... and yes, I think you have it spot on.
Thanks again...
Ryan
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it has been a while and it is good to see you back my friend, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest
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...quite clever little poem!
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