We’d just moved and
Before looking inside
I ran through the house,
through the backyard
To the furthest end
Of what seemed like an acre
I was eight or
Nine
Maybe ten
Just over the fence
Orange-yellow
My favorite flower ever since
It was the size of a small house
Or a pool, if you have one
Yet I could spend days there
In my head
Reeling the memories
Or doing nothing instead
“It’s where the aroma comes from”
Where we found the seven dwarfs
Where the rope ladder led to
A clue in the bark
Rose running, dream hunting
That little Rose Garden
To eight year old me was my personal
Hanging Garden of Babylon
At times I wish eighteen were not so different from eight
But you read on, pulse on, there’s no going back
Two pages ago, you were young,
you hear. So to listen, you pause
And the truth hits from nowhere, just how long
Ago two pages was
Author notes
Any opinions! But I would espcially LOVE some help with flow. and maybe rhyme. (ex: The last stanza! needs work)
thank you!
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Wonderful imagery. Flows ok. I understood it well. If you wanted rhyme, you'll need to recontruct the whole poem. If you'd like help on the last stanza, contact me.
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i dont think you need to change anything. this is beautiful as it is.
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This, is simply amazing. I truly loved this piece, Hooked from beginning to end. I really dont think anything has to change. The only part I dont care for is where you wrote "you here" in the last stanza. I think it reads just find without it. Othyer than that, You are an amazinbg writer.... and just a forwarning.... I will be back!
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It's sweet. I love the images in this. I think it would also be great of it didn't have to ryhme, that way, you could cut a few lines to make it sound more natural, and still keep a...."punchy rhythm"...or something lol. -Sorry, I'm useless.
But yeah, it doesn't have to ryhme so try not to stifle the impact by trying to make it fit a ryhme scheme. It brought back some interesting memories
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A good read with a little tweeking.
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This is actually a wonderful poem. Maybe if you are REALLY unhappy with it you could change Hanging Gardens of Babylon to Garden of Eden, but that's all I can see.
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Yeah, I actually was considering both of them but the Garden of Eden has ALL this other stuff associated with it (Think, Paradise Lost) and I didn't want people to read into that the wrong way.
Thanks so much for your comment
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