Yossarian's little house was made out of tree bark he had stripped
from the dead tree that was his front yard. He had put hours of hard
work into it, and made it just perfect. Adding little things to it
to make it beautiful. Inside there was room for two people. But
then, it would have been a tight fit, so it was perfect for just
one. he could stand up, and since he wasn't very tall, he only had
to bend slightly to get through the door. It was his 10th birthday,
and he was celebrating it away from home because, as he said, "Its
my special day made even more special by the fact that I will be a
two digit number." His parents decided that, OK, he could go, but
he should be back by nightfall. Yossarian shrugged, took a pot from
the kitchen and headed off with a blanket. He didn't like that he
had a curfew for his freedom, so he decided to make them worry a bit
and come home just after it got dark. This put a smile on his face
and he trotted happily off into the woods in search of a particular
fallen down log he had seen just the other day while searching for
mushrooms with his father.
The little house seemed to be pretty big for young Yossarian who
looked around the room with the blanketed floor in awe. He admired
his handy-work, running his slender fingers over the polls that
leaned against the rock. The rock wall continued on up forever,
until high above, he could barely make out the shape of a tiny, tiny
house. Yossarian sat and thought and wondered about who could be up
there, and presently wished that he could fly. He wished and he
wished, but, he had no candles, or a cake to make his wish on. So
instead he pretended he was an airplane and zoomed past his little
house in careless freedom tumbling, with a crash into the bushes.
Suddenly, Yossarian heard voices coming from around the corner. He
stopped thrashing in the bushes, and held himself very still hoping
that he was well enough hidden so that the group of boys who had just come around the corner would not see him. He hoped that they
would keep walking, but instead they stopped and conversed among
themselves.
"Look at the little house!" exclaimed one, who sported a bright red
jacket.
"Lets tear it up.." said a boy who's pants were a hideous yellow-
green.
"Yeah, I bet the little weasel who made it isn't very far away." a
chubby mean looking boy said snickering and glancing around.
Red Jacket pointed to the bush were Yossarian lay cowering in fear
from the older boys. "I bet he's hiding!" Nasty-colored-pants had lifted a big stick off the ground and was about to smite the little
house down, and Chubby was ready to tear it apart, but they
hesitated. All three of them lept toward the bush and Red jacket
grabbed Yossarian by the hair and pulled him roughly out from behind
the bush.
"Oh, its you! You little bastard!" he laughed. He threw him against
the house which collapsed underneath him, and the three boys crowded
around. Amidst the pile of rubble that once was Yossarians house,
lay a little ten year old boy who couldn't help but to cry. His
entire days work was ruined. Yello pants spit in his face and threw
the club down on him adding bruises to the front of his body that
echoed those already beginning to form on his back. Chubby tried to
kick him, but missed and tripped over the log that was thrown down
by Yellow pants and managed to hit Red jacket in the face with his
shoulder. This produced a loud shattering cry and Red coat turned on
Chubby who wasn't fast enough and ended up receiving a punch to the
face. Yellow pants grabbed the stick up and hit them both over the
head.
The two chased after Yellow pants who was fleeing down the path and
son the shouts were heard no more by the small boy. Yossarian lay
there in the rubble of his little home and wept. He vowed that he
would never again build something that other people could ruin. He
vowed that he would become stronger so he would never be bettered in
a fight. And he vowed he would learn how to fly one day and he would
drop things on the mean boys from the air.
Yossarian stood and surveyed the wreckage. His eyes were dry now,
and his body only bruised. He took his blanket and walked to the
path that would take him from the forest, but then, remembering the
boys, turned off it and fled into the trees. presently he came to a
stream. He stopped and drank long and deep. He had barely noticed
how thirsty he was, or how hungry. His stomach growled at him, and
he missed his parents. He looked around for the path, but could find
none, and so he wept a second time.
When he had stopped crying, he stood for a long while looking down
at himself in the rippling water, and believed he could see tiny
lights dancing at the bottom of the stream. Looking up, he saw that
it was already night, and it had grown dark as he had stood there.
The lights in the stream were only the stars reflected.
The first moment of panic passed quickly, only to be followed by
another when an owl hooted mysteriously in the tree above him. He
sprang across the stream, and ran along the other side of it to a
tree that looked to be rather big, and friendly looking. Upon
further inspection he found that it housed a rather nasty set of
eyes that wouldn't stop looking at him. He backed away slowly and
fell into the stream. He was now soaked and cold, and it was dark.
Yossarian was too miserable to cry a third time, and so, found a
pine tree under which he felt relatively safe. After draping the
sodden blanket over a low branch to make a sort of tent-like-thing,
Yossarian fell into s fitful sleep, woken every half hour by his
screams, but when he woke in the morning he couldn't remember what
he had dreamed...but he woke a very different young boy.
Author notes
*SOW Contest*
Change is the theme. the way small things effect small children in big ways, and can change the way someone is later in life.
A contest entry
- Contest Short Story of the Week - SOW - by Bear by Arkbear.
700 points, ended September 22, 2008, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Hi there and welcome to the SOW!
You've written a story that a lot of kids would relate to, sadly enough.
While I never experienced physical bullying as a child, I did deal with a lot of taunting and name calling, but then I suspect being a girl might have helped slightly. You've done an amazing job of describing and showing us the inner mind and emotions of a 10 year old boy dealing with such cruelties. Nice job!
While I believe this could be tightened up quite a bit in certain places (and islekine gave some fantastic suggestion, IMO) your basic plot is pretty good. I was pulled into the story quickly, and the pace was perfect with the action beginning with the 3 boys. However...I had a little trouble with the ending believing Yossarian's parents wouldn't have been looking for him and screaming his name to heaven and back to find him?
And lastly...my impression is the whole ordeal ended up being a bad dream, which IMO is a very cliché way to end a story. Then again, it wasn't entirely clear to me, so I could be wrong about that. 
The strengths in your story far outweigh any weaknesses, and I thank you for penning us such a heartfelt story. I believe the difficulties I had as a child made me more empathetic and accepting of others, so I can well imagine the difference it might have made in young Yossarian's. The question is...were they good changes...or bad?
My scores can will be in the final contest notes.
Good luck and best wishes,
~J. -
Hello and Welcome to SOW!
Poor little fellow, my heart went out to Yossarian.
Bullying is something that should not be tolerated.
Okay on with what i am supposed to be doing.
I really enjoyed reading this story it pulled at my heart.
There are a few things i feel the need to mention.
Saying he so much was redundant.
Example:
he could stand up, and since he wasn't very tall, he only had
to bend slightly to get through the door.
I would have said,
Yossarian could stand up,not being tall,to get through the small door.
Your forgot a few Capital letters at the beginning of sentences.
Other than that i loved the story.
Hope to see you back again!
My scores will be in the final judging.
Remember...no editing once a judge has commented, until after trophies are handed out.
Best regards,
~Lisa~
-
Aloha and Welcome to SOW!!!
This is a great little story…..you “captured”
Yossarian well…
Now for some technical details:
Yossarian’s Little House
Redundant words are not a good thing, in poetry or stories….
Yossarian's little house was made out of tree bark he had stripped
from the dead tree that was his front yard. He had put hours of hard
work into it, and made it just perfect. Adding little things to it
to make it beautiful.
Yossarian’s little house was made from bark he stripped from the dead
tree in his front yard. He put hours of hard work into it, just to make
it perfect; adding little things to make it beautiful.
In the next paragraph….I can see where you are going…but you
went a long way around…again…just my opinion…
When he had stopped crying, he stood for a long while looking down
at himself in the rippling water, and believed he could see tiny
lights dancing at the bottom of the stream. Looking up, he saw that
it was already night, and it had grown dark as he had stood there.
The lights in the stream were only the stars reflected.
How about:
When he stopped crying, he stood looking down at his reflection in
the rippling water. Tiny lights danced at the bottom of the stream.
Looking up, he saw it was already night, and the lights were only the
reflected stars.
Again…all of these are just suggestions…..
My score will be in the final notes….Best wishes in the contest!
Hope to see you again!
Write on!
-
Hello & Welcome to SOW #7~
I must admit, when I saw the title I was picturing possibly a children's story ~ which isn't bad, for even children enjoy reading! Upon reading, you brought me in to one day in the life of a boy celebrating his 10th birthday the way he wanted to ~ in a little house of his own making. At times I smiled, knowing I had days like this, where my imagination lead me to create.
Your theme is change, and you used a traumatic event to introduce change into Yossarian's life. I've been fortunate to not receive such bullying, aside from name calling, but I can imagine how this must have effected the young boy.
There are some grammatical & punctuation errors, but not so much that I was distracted from the story ~ just needs some tightening up.Your imagery is well painted, I was able to picture the setting nicely. I also enjoyed the flow and storytelling ~ well done!
Thank you for entering this week's SOW! My scores will be posted in the final notes.
Remember...no editing once a judge comments, until after trophies are awarded.
~ Tim
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