The crisp and insistent siren sounds
The alarm(ing) start of a
brand new day
It sounds so shallow ringing into
the hollows of a single skin.
Curtains drawn and the air is grey
Pixelated, through sleepy eyes
Like a corpse cooled down on open ground
the empty bed threatens to freeze again.
And the kitchen’s no different, the walls are cold
The silence shattered sharply on the tile floor
Instant coffee can’t breathe life
into the weighted blanket of another day
As the digital seconds stand stagnant, you see
some things are beyond being saved.
In the monotone mirror above the bathroom sink
only one reflection exists anymore
as caustic cold water rains down to reveal
the bloodless face of time to come.
Even the toothbrush looks lonely, it’s plastic pelt
touched only by untouched skin.
The metallic scraping of the leaving-key
echoes the lonely sound of sickness inside
and there’s no one to disturb with the noise.
This house sits, watching, waiting to be left
unfilled; until
night falls, and the token effort is made again.
It’s funny; the place where nothing goes looks fine,
until there’s NoThing to fill it with.
Author notes
this poem is about waking up, getting ready for the new day and leaving the house, when youre all alone, and doing those things is really not what you actually want... i guess we get up and face our lives for the people around us.
and yeah, the capitalization in the final line is on purpose.
strangerforeigner. weeeeird, i just wrote this today!
A contest entry
- Clean and Simple by Peripatetic.
1500 points, ended October 20, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Good Morning by strangerforeigner.
400 points, ended October 8, 2008, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything goes. AUSSIE GROUP ONLY by Shelly Beattie 2.
700 points, ended February 12, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Whispers of the Muse by SubKitten.
3045 points, ended May 19, 156 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
constructive criticism, pleeeeease? :-)
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Wonderfully written piece! The imagery you created here was wonderful, and the final line added to the piece quite a bit. It was a great touch. And the flow of this piece was smooth and strong. Wonderful write.
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Great! You're asking for constructive criticism, mmm... You could tighten it by removing some fill words, you could loosen it by adding fill word and breaking up the stanzas into a few more verses. We could all do that with our poetry. Somehow this feels great just the way it is!
I read your notes after reading the poem, it was good to see I painted a very different picture to the one you wrote of - my picture... and that's all this reader wants.
Excellent writing here, keep it up
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***
Wishes -Emmjay
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The facts are very true, I too have ecperienced the emptiness of living alone in a house.**
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A good strong poem. Thats for being part and having the good aussie spirit of joining in. **
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Interesting view of a daily situation for most, leaving the house to work and the house itself becomes empty and cold. **
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Yes A great poem. All the best in the contest.
**
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Very impressed with this. Fantastic imagery and the feel of that empty and cold home was very real to me.
"There's no one to disturb" struck me as a tad wrong, perhaps better as 'There is' or maybe without the There's at all, just "no one to disturb"... either way, it felt separate to the rest of the poem.
A very good write -
“touched only by untouched skin.”
This poem is rich in its poignancy noting the fine details of life lived with no one and nothing to fill it up except the routine of staying alive.
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I really liked this. I escecially like how you derscribed the bathroom. I couldn't find a least favorite part.
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Love it. Great flow, great use of assonance and consonance. Vivid images. You did a good job of portraying lonliness with the metaphor of cold. Very very well done.
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You ask for constructive criticism, yet I have none. This is simply an amazing write and that's all I can say. Very, very, well done.
Tal.
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The description is very powerful and its tone is very effective as well.....well done..and thanks for sharing it...
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