Toxic beauty, heart beating
to a rhythm of destruction:
with precision and grace
lay waste to reason.
With your gentle smile
that speaks of the end,
captivate the mind;
eviscerate the soul.
Our eyes upturned, we wait
in the face of perfect chaos
to be chosen for glory, for pain,
for your infernal gaze;
make me immortal--
make me something more.
Comments
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Ahhhh so nice to see another poem . .
Toxic beauty
with a heart that beats
I would change the “a” to a “the”. First because – see next comment first – it eliminates two “a”s. Also, the heart is one, the rhythm is whatever the reader decides it is.
to the rhythm of destruction:
I would consider an “a” here instead of a “the”. Primarily because that creates more opportunity for the reader to place their interpretation on what destruction and its rhythm. Opens your audience a bit more. Also, I don’t know of a single destructive rhythm but I can think of many different ones. You might even consider not doing a thing (lol) because the changes could make you rethink a few other words and then it spirals out of control.
with precision and grace
lay waste
to reason.
A gentle smile
that speaks of the end--
captivate the mind;
Perhaps an “s” on captivate. Or, an ing - see below.
eviscerate the soul.
I was going to say another “s” on eviscerate but perhaps an “ing” I think I am having trouble with the tense of the lines. They don’t go together. A passive tense turning into an active present tense. Could be just me.
With upturned eyes, we wait
Wonderful choice of words here. Many would assume that head would be turned downward where we always face for retribution, or, destruction etc. Subtle but quite effective that our eyes are turned upward. It strikes again in the next stanza when you mention pain. Good one.
in the face of perfect chaos
to be chosen
for glory,
for pain,
for your infernal gaze;
I don’t know if I like the three “for”s or not. It is a big waffle here. I haven’t come up with anything better and it does say what you mean. So, waffling continues.
make me immortal--
make me something more.
With each of your poems there is always (yes, always) a line, or, phrase, or, thought, etc etc that catches me the reader. You pulled it out at the end. Pulls it together. Adds the ultimate, “Huh?” which makes one go back and read it again.
Thank you for the new poem. It’s been awhile and your eager audience gets restless at times. ~ Timothy
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Thank you.
I wonder if you realize how very helpful your critiques are...
I think this is better now. Oh, and did you read the other one, right before this?
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