Filtered rays
murmur nothing of commitment
in a voice like, "wait, wait"--
gently chiding,
but with never a promise.
Through soft maybes and secret smiles,
vacillating skies
master the art of perhaps.
Author notes
Just the typical dreary autumn musings...
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
Autumn? Already??
... or it could be my own musings about ... him ...
Virgo that he is.
Write more for me.
Nicely done, dearest. :-)
-
Ahhhh the pain of re-writes.
I like it more than the original BUT . . .
(always the but)
I liked the singular version of "maybes" and "smiles" -
-
grrrr...*sigh* I did too...but this got rid of too many a's.
-
-
LOL LOL LOL
I like it the way it is AND without the s's.
Through soft maybe and secret smile
vacillating skies
master the art of perhaps.
-
-
-
Tighter and tighter all the time . .
With so few words, each is so critical. There is little room for transitional phrases and the like (which you already know from reading your other short poems). Even more important is to attempt to get multiple images from one word (at most, two). The following is how I would look at my own poem regardless of message because, one, the message is yours not mine, and two, the message in this piece is perfect as it is.
What kind of rays? – Filtered is a good start but leaves me wanting, perhaps one more word, or, a second word. Filtered is too vague to let me see what kind of light you are seeing, or,, wanting me to see. Tree filtered? Cloud filtered? Each of these presents the reader with a very different type of ray.
Saying – there can be better words than this. Again, try to get more oomph from one word. “offering” “promising” “whispering” although clichéd. How are they saying it? Without increasing the word count.
Promise – oops. This makes it tougher because of my comment above. So, “promising” is out as a suggestion above. It fits much better here. And, using promising keeps your message and loses the word “a” which is actually unnecessary here and lowers your “a” count in the poem to three.
Love the “master the art of perhaps”
You have captured much here. Permanence versus fleeting moments. Enjoyment of what is, not what we wish it to be. The simple beauty of autumn and that its very art of perhaps is a part of its stunning brilliance. And, more.
Good job.
-
-
And now?
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
