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whisper nix



when we first became a we
(you and i an us),
the moon slipped out of her
white robes,
and three nights were dark.

for these nights you stayed awake.

on the first, you stole memories
from my temples,
and you reached velvet fingers
between time's curtains, and you grabbed
a strand of future;
you wove them (soundlessly) with
your hair, into thread--pale as stars
on your silver spindle.
we were entwined.

when i again slipped away
to dance with the naked moon,
you kissed my eyelids
and measured
what you had spun.
digits, numbers, equations
defined our future
in your every-inch-master plan.
you smiled at its perfection
as i slumbered in mine.

at last...the finale.
you whispered "sleep"
to me, and when i did,
you made the cut.
a slice, smooth and jagged--
fiberglass split, ripping
from the edges of your rusty shears.

i didn't know it
in daylight, and i followed you
as my thread unwound.
secret smiles on your triangle of faces,

grinning at the shrinking spool--your plan,
acting, a noose.

now i have seen the fate you
created, but too late.

if the moon comes for me,

it will be your doing,

and so I will be glad.

i am a marionette,
trapped in a tangled-lace cocoon,
and you've cut the cords, so why
won't you drop
the strings?


Author notes

My Greek myth: The Moirae, also called The Fates. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moirae)

Okay... The Moirae were three sisters--Clotho, who spun the thread of life, Lachesis, who measured the thread, and Atropos, who cut it. The thread symbolized life, and cutting it equaled death.

Basically, I transferred the life part into a relationship of sorts, and the three-sisters part into a three-faced person.

Not too fond of this one...it looks like I couldn't decide between flowery and personal, but there you have it. Critical review, please.

 

 

Title: Nix means "end," and "Nyx" was the goddess of the night (and death and darkness, etc.), and some say she was the mother of the Moirae. Just an interesting connection there.

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Lively Matter
    February 24

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    Brilliant, Your so intelligent make me look like a 2 year old, it did not rhyme yet it was better than almost anything i've ever read


  • Age of Rain
    September 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is really cool. Your first stanza is rock solid (though your second 'and' reads 'an')

    'for these nights you stayed awake.'
    I would get rid of 'for'

    stanza three is pretty awesome, it increased in strength as I read down.

    This was 'wordy' in effect, though you pulled it off. It had a solid end, but my favorite is stanza four. Nicely done here!


  • sideways hourglass
    September 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i would take out line 2 and 6.
    line 2 sounds cool but your poem could do without it.

    This was full of emotion - just brilliant poetry. It did seem kind of wordy sometimes, but overall, this was excellent -- especially the ending.


  • Lauren Noir
    September 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I knew from the title this would be amazing. It just indicated towards a poem that was so subtle and gentle in language, but at some points you felt knives.

    the language was so amazing, so subtle. Each movement was elegant. The myth is one I've never heard of (shock!horror!) so this was entrancing. I adored what you took from it, it was a clever little package

    My only confusment was a sinle line, where I had to stop a little at: (you and i an us),
    I didn't really understand at first that it was from 2 to 1.

    the imagery was perfect. I adore the moon and celeste.

    Well done, you alwasy step it up even further


  • Mad As Rabbits
    September 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. This is amazing.

    "and you reached velvet fingers
    between time's curtains, and you grabbed
    a strand of future;" Gorgeous.

    I loved the entire third stanza, it was really breathtaking. "you kissed my eyelids", I thought this was such a beautiful image, but in the context of the story this poem tells, it was really ironic, too.

    My only real problem with this piece was "now i have seen the fate you
    created, but too late." I think it's just weak compared to the rest of this, and I think you could've found a better way to write that.

    Ending was fantastic. I thought it was really cool that you ended with a question.

    Awesome, really.

    Love Always,

    Caroline

1 - 5 of 5