Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

but i should not see you this way.

my sword bit your lip:
breast plate stole away all
emotion;

though your kiss never felt on
virgin legs, they clutched
your war horse's thighs

weaving whispers
to your name...




and night fell, bringing
owl asking
'whooo?' tickling your response,

a temple erected and desecrated
with wisdom's modesty.










~~~

Author notes

I want to add more to this poem. help?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Athena

A contest entry

...

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • Age of Rain
    September 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    a good start. I liked that image. I felt that perhaps you could have brought more to the 'breast plate idea' maybe the cold of iron and a frozen heart. *shrugs*

    'felt' should be 'fell'

    'and night fell, bringing
    owl asking
    'whooo?' tickling your response,'

    not your strongest stanza,
    not your strongest write.

    I enjoyed the finn.


  • sideways hourglass
    September 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The opening line was very imaginative - but it didn't work, because...I don't think it was developed enough.

    I thought the ending was very good.

    Overall it was...good for what it is, but not memorable, and I think this not being developed enough had a lot to do with it.

  • unraveled
    September 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i don't think it needs more, but your imagery and tenses are all over the places. it's basically past tense, but would benefit from less gerunds (-ing). i also don't understand the big picture of the poem... it's not bad, just not my favorite of yours. i like the last line best.

    -cassidy


  • Mad As Rabbits
    September 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I don't think this needs more. You may think that because you typically write longer poems, but in all honesty, if you couldn't find something to extend this with, don't. You'd probably just end up forcing it, and I think this is beautiful on it's own.

    "though your kiss never felt on
    virgin legs, they clutched
    your war horse's thighs" I thought this was cool, sort of ironic, too.

    Your ending may not be a BAM but I don't think it's necessary. I think it finished it off nicely, but not dull or extraordinary in any means. It worked with the piece.

    I think this is great, but if you can add more and make it work, go for it.

    Love Always,

    Caroline


  • Never Fall in Love
    September 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    stunning


    • And Hyetal
      September 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      no critical critiques?

      (btw, I'm agreeing with your name at the moment. bahh, you tried to warn me.)

      • Never Fall in Love
        September 20, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        nothing critical, no ... except if you do want a harder ending.. look for something with a bang. i don't know what though.

        It's a good experience though - just pick yourself up

        • And Hyetal
          September 20, 2008

          Edit | Reply
          I agree. I hope I'll have time to change and add.

          It's hard, especially when he was your best friend. At least we had a talk this evening... We're going to try to be 'besties' like before, which is a great relief.

1 - 11 of 11